As I give more of my heart the call becomes greater

The last few weeks have been so packed full of me surrendering my dreams and God give them back to me even bigger. I really have such a little idea to what He is calling me to do and what His plans are. All I know is that the more I give this dream of going and working with the people of India to Him, the stronger the pull is upon my heart. At times my heart will hurt due to me missing the beautiful country and the people there. Lately, my heart has been aching as it is pulled. Pulled by God. Each day I feel more and more that God is calling me to live a life that is way out of my comfort zone. That is exciting. It is also really scary. It is hard to tell people, mostly friends and family that I may be living in another country for the rest of my life. do I know that for sure? no. Do I know India for sure? no. Do I know who I will go with? no. Do I know what is going to happen? no.


no.no.no.no. thats the answer. But then when Jesus asks me like He did to Peter, "Do you love me?" yes. "Will you follow me?" yes. "Will you die for me?" yes.


Jesus is the love of my life and He is crazy jealous for me. I most make sure that He is the one and only love of my life. And when I answer "yes" to those questions, that means yes in India and yes in Arkansas, even if my heart is being pulled in another direction. All I know is that it must all be given to God...and Jesus is pretty crazy. Who knows what He has for me.

The Love of My Life

The work that I desire to do in India is for God. But the more I have been thinking about India this week, the more God has been working in my heart to teach me what that really means. As I read through the book, "The Wild-Bird Child," about the life of Amy Carmichael, my heart longs to have a life like hers. But then again, can I even begin to understand the amount of strength she had in the Lord to do what she did? God has been showing me so much. I have begun to understand why God might give me the trials He does. Of course, it is easier to say such a thing when you aren't in the middle of one. But I do believe with all my heart that God allows all things in my life for a reason. God is growing and teaching me for His glory. And for the time being, I believe He has called me to do His work in India when I graduate from JBU. Maybe that will change, but right now I cannot remove that call from my heart. I know that God works in and through me daily, and that His "plan" doesn't mean one part of my life. But I cannot tell my heart to stop hoping and anticipating that God will choose to use me in India. There is always the chance of God using this love for something different and greater, but for the time being the desire to serve God in India is like nothing I have ever felt before. Sometimes, I miss India so much that it would be hard to believe I have only spent three weeks of my life there. Each and every day I have to remind myself that going to college first is God's plan for me and that it is in HIS TIME. I must be careful to make sure I am asking God to use me in His plan, rather than inviting Him into mine. Through tears and prayers the other night I asked myself, "Do I love serving God or serving God in India more?" I think that at times I can become so wrapped up in the idea of serving that I forget to serve, and to really love the one I serve. I know deep done, that if it was not in God's plan for me to serve in India, as sad as that would be to me now, I wouldn't do it. I love Jesus with all my heart, and I would serve Him somewhere else if that is what He called me to do. And maybe that is all He is asking, for me to simply put Him first, as the love of my life. His plans are beautiful and great. God is a big God who gave me a love for India and has my best interests at heart. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with excitement and fear when wondering how God will use me. All I know, is that the people in history who have chosen to follow Christ with all their heart and soul, thinking only of that which is eternal, have made huge impacts for Christ, whether anyone knows it at the time or not. I want to be broken, to be humbled, to be used. Some might say that I am too much of a dreamer and that doing this "sort of thing," like spending my life in India, is a lot harder than I think. I never said I thought it would be easy. But I know God never calls His people to things they cannot do without His strength. Some might worry about my strong desire to serve, and currently being a single woman, but the last time I checked, my God was stronger than any man. This does not mean that I won't serve with other believers, but my God loves and cares for me more than any human ever could. My Jesus is the love of my life, who will always keep me within His arms and will follow me to the darkest corner of the world. The way I look at it, I have nothing to worry about. As long as I am in love with Jesus, His grace will be enough.

In Your Timing

So, due to the health of our team leader, our trip to India next summer has been cancled. I am so thankful that Ron is getting better and that God has kept him safe. I am still disappointed that it looks like I might not being going back to India as soon as I thought. God has given me so much more of a peace about this than I had. I know God will only send me in His time and when I am ready.

I keep thinking about India daily, and I pray that God will bring me back to live in the culture that I love so much. Maybe more things will open up for me being able to go and maybe they won't. I have to learn to trust God in ALL things and know that His plan is so much better than mine. For now, I will have to wear my Indian clothes here in America and get funny looks, nod my head from side to side alone, and pray with all my heart each and every day for the country I love. In your time Lord, in your time....

Break for Christmas Fun

Well, tonight I am almost halfway home for the break. My friend Billy brought Austin and I to Joplin to my best friend Lauren's house. Austin and I are hanging out here until Rebekah gets here tonight, and then we will leave and be home tomorrow : )
As I think about the last semester it seems to have went by really fast but so much has happened at the same time. Being an RA has been such a growing experience, and I am looking forward to the break to process everything that has happened and the things that God has taught me and is still using to mold me.
I think that after a few weeks away from being an RA and being able to rest a little I will be able to say more of what I have really learned. I have been praying that over this break not only would I have a good holiday with my family but that my passion would be renewed for God. I desire to know more of who Jesus is and love Him with more of my heart each day. I pray that God would continue to open doors for me to go back to India, and that He would also help me serve the girls on my hall and be content in a place that my heart really isn't in. Well, God knows a lot more than me...and hopefully, each day I will get a little smarter. As for now, I will have some Christmas fun. : )

Vogue X2

Best Friends + College + Crazy Vogue Fashion = A really good time

Can We Just Lay Here?

Snow Patrol
Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Hmmm.....

I realized tonight that this blog could be a lot more public than I think. No one has a blog spot. So that means no one comments. I wonder how many people read what I write.... Oh well, I guess I can just write more on the surface. Save the juicy stuff for later...

So, I really like the song above. I currently have it on repeat. And by the way. My dad is getting married. No comment.

I dont really even know what to say. I guess when you get in the habit of thinking about others reading what you are writing later, it is hard to do the writing.

I dont really know if I want to be an RA anymore.

I think everyone thinks it is easy and they dont get why that would be the case.

I get to live in Ireland fall of 2007.

I want to see the whole world.

Do I let everyone down?

Does anyone really know me?

Besides Lauren and Ellen?

How do I tell people what I feel, without thinking that the world will fall apart when the words come out of my mouth?

I love India.

I dont want to do school anymore this semester.

I love my family.

How long can I spend with them?

Right now,

I feel like laying in the middle of quad, right where the light pole is. It would be warm outside. But dark. Night. The light pole would be on. I would be laying on my back. It would be pouring down rain. And I would lay there. And open my hands and eyes and watch the huge drops of rain pour all over me.

I feel so..... unable to explain how I feel. And that is frusterating.

Lets go sit on the quad...in Ireland :)

Well, yesterday I got the good news of finding out that my application was accepted to study for a semester in Ireland for the fall of 2007. I am so excited! I also get to take an independent photography class while I am there. At first I had my heart set on studying in Uganda. I told God to open and close doors. The doors seemed much more open to Ireland. God put a peace in my heart and let me know that although I might desire to live in Africa, now wasn't the time. So, I applied to study in Ireland with a team from JBU. Well, I didn't hear anything for awhile...I began to think maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have applied for both. But...God is good and I am not as patient as He would like me to be. I am so happy to see that God really does have the desires of my heart. He is the one who put the love for adventure and new cultures in my heart. As I seem to be in a time in my life where God says, " Rest in me, and listen to my voice" I have come to see that God is still working and loving me. His love is the same each and every day. I change, He doesn't. His love is the same when I find out He has given me an opportunity to live across the Ocean, and when I can barely hear His voice.

Warm hands on a cold heart

Once upon a time there was a girl. A girl who some would say, was made of spirit and laughter... and most of the time, they were right. But sometimes, the giggles would stop and she couldn't find her spirit. Jessa, was the spiritless girl with rosy checks. Many times, Jessa didn't know where her spirit would go. One moment there seemed to be happyness forever. And then, it would seem like all of the things that made her heart passionate would dissappear at once. It was like they forgot to come out after playing hide and seek. And sometimes, her heart would begin to feel kind of cold and numb, like her checks did after she would play outside too long in the winter. Jessa was happy. Jessa loved life. But sometimes, the passion would leave. It always came back, but each time it was gone again...Jessa wondered if this time was the time it was gone for good.



*The other day, when having a good conversation with a good friend about feeling a little passionless...I was asked, "When have you felt like you were the most intimate with Jesus?"
I knew right away.

Sitting in the pew at church I tried to keep breathing even though my heart felt like it might stop at any point. The pain in my stomach made me glad that I hadn't eaten anything before. Before the funeral. Before I began to realize that I hated God. I hated him because he left me again. He left me to live a life I no longer wanted to live. Why is it that it is always everyone else that gets to go? Why couldn't I go?? I hated him. I hated him because my heart hurt worse than it ever had before. And no one was helping me. I hated him because he loved me through everything. He loved me even when I hated him. He loved me when I blammed him. He loved me and cried with me in the church that smelled like flowers and perfume. God sat beside me, while I wore all black once again. He stode beside me as I looked down into the casket and said goodbye to another friend. That day, as I sat telling God that I hate him, I realized how much he loved me. How far his love could go. How his love can flow deeper than my deepest hurts.

I felt the most intimate when I was completely weak and broken. As I continue to be an RA, and feel like God isn't doing his job in using me...I am becoming weak. I know Jesus wants to use me. But I dont see it. I dont feel the passion. I feel tired. I desire God and what he has for me. Is he bringing me to a place that he can finally use me? I feel more like a wilted flower than something that is being broken for him to use.

Little Jessa keeps looking for her passion. She has looked far and wide. Even in India...but now she thinks she might just need to look into the eyes of the one who loves her more than anything. Is her passion found in his eyes? Probably...but he isn't too worried about that. He just wants to hold her. He wants to rock her to sleep. He wants to sing to her with love and let her know that his love is what she needs.

Where do I belong??

Lately God has been teaching me many things. That's not to say I have felt passionate about it. Actually, I have had a hard time feeling passionate since India. I know...India was a spiritual high, and now I am back to normal...but it is so much more than that. I really feel that I miss the culture and the people of India. I desire to go back. I desire to visit Africa. To live in Africa. Sometimes I just think, "God, is America really where I am suppose to be??" For this time, yes. For the rest of my life? I sure hope not. I love my country and am so blessed but I hate it at the same time. Today in chapel, a women named Princess Zulu spoke to us about her country of Africa, and being HIV positive, also told us more about AIDS. It breaks my heart. All the lives lost to AIDS in Africa, in India, in my country... we had a talk back tonight with Princess. And she taught us a song in her native language....I almost started crying and it was just a fun song. The thing is, when I was singing that song to Jesus...my passion was back, my heart was filled with joy. It was still the same Jesus I know and love....but I was able to praise him in a way that I want to praise him every day. I know that there are a million agruements to what I am writing. Blah, Blah, Blah. Each person against me might be right. But honestly, I don't care. I want to live in India and then move to Africa. I want to live in a hut and experience pain, joy, loss, and life across the world. Jesus, show me your will. Let me know I belong to you. Let me be patient with those that don't understand. And Jesus, be with each and every person that is dying of AIDS right now.

Jesus...you know me...

Jesus, you know me. You know my heart. I love you Lord. I know you love me. Sometimes it is so easy to get wrapped up in my own life, in my own worries and struggles. I know I try to do things on my own Jesus. Draw me close to you!! Sometimes I feel so lost but so good at making it seem that I know where I am going. I have all the right things to say but when it comes to doing them, I freeze. Jesus...I love India. I know it was a spiritual high but it really feels like so much more than that too. It was hard but I loved the people and the children and the culture... I want to go back Lord. You have surprised me with this passion for a place I never really thought about a year ago. Take me back to India. Raise the money. Let me have faith that your will is going to be done! Sometimes I think people think I like India because it is easier to talk about God when people want to hear about it. Maybe it is true...but I feel that you have called me to do missions Lord. And sometimes...it seems I have to explain it to the people who should support me. Let me trust you Jesus. Draw me close to your heart. Let me breathe you each day Jesus. Let me fall head over heels in love with you! I sometimes am scared or think negatively about love...let me see its beauty with you Jesus. I thank you for so many blessings. So many things you give to me. Let me serve you each day. Let me speak truth and love. You know me Lord. You know my heart. I love you!

You Have Stolen My Heart

This is the first time I have ever felt homesick for a country other than my own. Maybe it isn't just the country. I know it's not just India that my soul is aching for... I long to see the kids that I have fallen in love with. I think about games of cricket in the Indian evenings; the smell of people and food and flowers; I never want the henna on my hand to fade...sitting in church yesterday my soul ached for India. We sang songs of our freedom and liberty in Christ as I closed my eyes to see the faces of the ones who have stolen my heart. Tomorrow is my favorite holiday...yes, as strange as it is...I love the smell of hotdogs and hamburgers dancing through the air as the sky is lit up with fireworks. I love to swim all day and feel my burnt checks as I pretend I am seven again and play with sparklers.... but tomorrow.....I will love my country and my favorite holiday...but I will know that India has stolen my heart.

India

WAITING FOR THE KING

*Almond eyes of children in colorless clothing
*are painted in my mind
*wrinkled hands of widows gently
*rest on mine as my rich
*crimson scarf, wipes each tear
*waiting for the king
*the sweet singing of orange flowers
*rings in the indian trees
*the taste of mangos and spicy air
*dances upon my sunburnt lips
*waiting for the king
*my heart becomes the sand
*that sits along the indian coast

Worship the King

This weekend my friends and I saw Shawn McDonald in concert. In the front row, I was amazed to watch his face as he sang and his hands as he played. He was in another world. He was worshiping God. I began to think of how it is amazing to see all the many ways to worship God. After the show my friends Lauren, Rebekah, and I talked with Shawn's wife Kate for almost a half an hour. I began to think that she was worshiping God too. They both share their loves with so many. Shawn stayed and signed autographs and talked with fans for about an hour after the show. They were real people pouring out God's love onto others. As I get ready to leave for India in just a few days, I know why I am going... I am going to Worship the King. I am not sure on everything I will be doing, but I do know that each day for three weeks I will have the chance to pour God's love on a people who have never felt it before. We can all worship God each and every day of our lives. We can sing. We can dance. We can talk. We can hug. We can love. Shawn worships God with music. I know that God will use me to sing his song of love in India.

Invisible Children

Lately life has been so busy. School is out in a week and finals are coming...It is easy to become absorbed with myself and my own problems and worrries. And then there are times when God sort of stops you. You sit. You watch. You hear. You see. I sat and watched a documentary that is sweeping the nation raising awareness for child solidiers in Uganda. I saw a boy named Jacob cry and about his brother who was murdered by the rebels. And now, I keep hearing his cries. I will join my school, my city, my nation, and my world in the global night commute. I will walk 3 miles like the small children in africa who spend every night hidden away from the rebels. I will sleep outside and make a difference. Children are dying each day and with 41,057 signed up right now, we will make a difference.

"The Real World...JBU"

This is the true story of seven strangers, picked to live in a house and have their lives taped, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL. The Real World!
Oh, the joys of college... for five days I was chosen to live in a house with six other people. We had challeneges...we had drama...we had laughs....we had cries... When I first decided to be on the show I did it for the fun. It was a little more tiring and dramatic then I thought... but more importantly I think I have found out that the way you look at and think about certain people might not be exactly right. Each person on the show was unique and different but in a funny way we were all alike. That may sound a little cliche...but it really was true. I had so much fun and even got my nose pierced on the show!!! Well, that's a little update on my life... oh yeah, and here is a little something good:

God Is Love:
" My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn't know the first thing about God, because God is love- so you can't know him if you don't love. "

"My dear, dear friends, if God loved us like this, we certainly ought to love each other. No one has seen God, ever. But if we love one another, God dwells deeply within us, and his love becomes complete in us-perfect love!"

1 John 4:7-8, 11-12 (The Message)

The Sunshine Makes Me Giggle...

Many might think I am crazy...but I prefer very happy. Today was such a happy day. I love when the sun pours through the window and I can feel the warmth from the inside of my room. I love when I can go outside and the warm wind sweeps across my lips and makes me smile. And then... I think I hear the flowers starting to grow. I can hear the trees laughing because spring rain is so close they can almost taste the sweetness of it. And for me? I skip from class to class waiting for the classes to be over so I can go swing at the park. I walk with a best buddy in the warm air and talk about life. It seems that even heavy matters aren't so bad when the sun is shining. It is like God decides to show His love in a different way in the spring and summer. Winter is full of flurry flakes and fall has the pretty leaves. But there is no joy like the one that comes from the nearness of spring and knowing that summer follows. After walking to the park, I have to get on a swing. Summer is Here!!! Well, maybe it is still February...but when I am swinging in the park and I am barefoot no one can tell me any different. Today has been one of the best. Maybe I just choose to find the good more easily when spring is on its way...but either way, I love the sunshine. I love the warm air. The park. Hearing kids play outside. The smell of my hands after I get done holding the medal chains when I swing. I love ice cream that melts on your hand... beautiful little girls with kool-aid mustaches, little boys with skateboards and footballs and grass stains on their knees. Spring and Summer are on their way to the tiny town of Siloam Springs, Arkansas. Like I said, some may think I am crazy...but I prefer very happy :)

Hebrews 12:1-3

The pathway is broken And the signs are unclear And I dont know the reason why you brought me here But just because You love me the way that You do I will go through the valley If You want me to
CHORUS: Now I'm not who I was When I took my first step And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet So if all of these trials bring me closer to You I will go through the fire If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen When you lead me through a world that's not my own But You never said it would be easy You only said I'll never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me And I'm all by myself And I can't hear You answer my cries for help I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through And I will go through the valley If You want me to

Sometimes you just have those days...or those weeks...or those months. Those times when you feel as though all the snow has fallen on top of you at once. Life might not be the worst it has ever been...but couldn't it be a little better? I love the Lord, and I know He loves me but sometimes...I feel as though I can see where I want to be and what I want but I have no idea how to get there. I guess that is where God comes in. There are just those moments when you are running the race and all the sudden you stop. You can't breathe. All you can hear and feel is the pain and the sound of yourself trying to catch a breath. You rest your hands on your knees and think "maybe I should turn around...or quit." And then... a breeze comes you don't feel so bad...and then before you know it you are jogging again...and then you are running like you have never stopped.

My Lips Shall Praise You

Psalm 63:1-3
O God, You are my God;
Early I will seek you;
My soul thirsts for you;
My flesh longs for You
In a dry and thirsty land
Where there is no water.
So I have looked for You in the Sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory.
Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips shall praise You.

So far the first week of a new semester has not exactly been the week I had hoped. I had thought that this new semester was going to be just as good as the last one, hopefully better. Now, not really knowing how it happened, I have seemed to have went from having two wonderful best friends to finding myself with just God. It's complicated...The details aren't important. All I know is that I have been praying for God to let me have an even more intimate relationship with Him. I longed to lean fully on Him. And now that He has given me that chance...I'm not so sure. I know God blesses us in different ways through the seasons of our lives. Last semester God blessed me with two of the best friends I have ever had. And now...God is blessing me with Himself. He is granting my wish to know him completely and intimately. HE is my best friend. I know now that it seems a painful process...But I have seen His work before...He never lets me down :)

My Redeemer Lives

This semester in school I am in a class where students ask questions that can not always be answered. Questions like, "Why was I placed in America instead of a country where thousands die each day from hunger?" Or "Why does Jesus promise to take care of His followers... He says He cares more for us than the lilies which He clothes so beautifully...but there are hungry children who believe in Him?" Why God? Why do people suffer? Why do you seem to care for me so much more??? Why is the question my soul asks... I don't understand Jesus... I know you love your children more than I could ever know....And then...when my soul can not stand the thought of bearing the pain of the world any longer.... I hear the words within my soul, "MY REDEEMER LIVES!" And then I know... I remember the love of my life that has died for me. The one and only beautiful lover of my soul. The one who died for the mistakes and sins of this fallen world. I remember that there is hope. Hope in the one that nature shows is real...hope in the one that makes smiles and laughter... hope in the one that gives us freedom and comfort and love and hope for all time!! My Redeemer Lives!! There is no hope for a fallen world.... only the hope of Jesus Christ. The one who was born to die. The one who lives to work in me and through me! My Redeemer Lives! I know He is there. I know Jesus is crying with me. That the first bite of the apple was the window to all the suffering of the world. The suffering from the sin that my Jesus has died for. So when my heart cries for the suffering I can have God built compassion and most importantly a hope.