Dizzy Cigarettes and Tightlipped Kisses

While I was studying in Northern Ireland we studied an Irish poet called Michael Longley. His poetry was quite moving and devastating at the same time. He wrote about the Troubles in Northern Ireland and the Holocaust. He was able to capture beauty and inspiration in the death and hopelessness of desperate times.

I liked several of his poems. I thought one poem in the front of his collected poetry was beautiful in his choice of words and the imagery he painted so simply.

No Continuing City

First dizzy cigarettes,

Tightlipped Kisses,

Friendships, Flying visits,

Birthday, best wishes-

My children and my dead

Coming of age

In the turn of your head

As you turn a page.

-Michael Longley

My Irish Literature class was lucky enough to have met Mr. Longley. He was very inspiring in his lecture. He did say one thing that made me think. He stated,

"There won't be any art in heaven- if there is such a place-because art comes from some disturbance..."

Well, I think most of the class thought differently. Trying to figure out a way to candy coat what he had said. But as I sat there, I began to think maybe he was right. What we know now in the world of art...there does seem to be a disturbance or longing for a beauty that we do not have. Many times art is a mixture of fallenness and redemption. Or the old and new. The overexposed and underexposed. The vintage and classic. The bittersweet taste of things ending much differently than you thought they would. So... if there is a heaven, and every thing's perfect where is art? I completely understand Longley's point. But then again, there seems to be perfection in a butterfly or flower... they seem perfect, but creation is fallen...and love means the most when it isn't deserved... The cross blossoms in the midst of undeserving selfish people.

But then again...

Maybe art is an expression and cry of who we are, who we've been, who we want to be. Art is us being here, trapped in our own humanity reaching out beyond ourselves. Maybe the art we know now, won't be in heaven. But there will be an art that we nothing about. An art that can not be anymore explained then what it will really mean to live where "mercy and truth have kissed each other."

Back in America, just in time for the Christmas Craze...

Well, I've been back in the states for a week. I haven't taken any cash out yet. Maybe its out of protest, since I haven't held a dollar in over three months... I am slowly taking steps back into reality. I took the extra pounds and pence out of my purse... slowly chewing the rest of the gum purchased at Vivo in Dundrum...





It sort of seems like the last three and half months have been a dream... I mean, that was my life. I lived in Europe. Got use to my life there. And then. I come home. Things are pretty much just the way I left them, the only change being the huge ice storm that makes me think I might have flown into Iceland or something. Most people ask a couple questions, "How was it?" or "Did you have fun?" and even an occasional, "You look a little Irish..." But, I can only say so much, and then I feel its getting old when I begin to say things about my travels...but it was in a way different from a trip or holiday. I lived there.





But...I did get back into America just in time. Just in time to remember how crazy Americans can get about a holiday that really no longer has much meaning. I mean, not to sound very critical...but the irony of the church and the holiday season may have a hit me a little hard this season. I came into my church that I grew up in, and was greeted by a probably 50 foot, fully lit Christmas tree. And...If I can explain it, our Choir stands in the fake tree. And they sing. About Christmas. Now don't get me wrong, the music is beautiful. It really is pretty and fills you with holiday cheer. There were Elves running, children laughing, presents, the 12 days of Christmas song by the church body, and a skit about the true meaning of Christmas.



After a semester abroad, attending more conservative and traditional churches, the radical Baptist Christmas celebration (or maybe whovillefest?) was a tad bit of a shock. The tree was purchased a few years back, but I've been at school in the past and this was my first time seeing it.



I just felt that maybe spending thousands of dollars on a tree and then having a skit about the true meaning of Christmas in front of the tree was a bit ironic. Hypocritical? Maybe.



This Sunday I went back to Church, to hear our new pastor preach. And he was reading out of Isaiah 53. Talking about who Christ was and why he had to come. He talked about the sacrifice and humility Christ had. How he traded power for infancy, majesty for poverty, beauty for homeliness, and worship for rejection. Christ came down to us, to lift us out of our sin and brokenness. C.S. Lewis talks in his book Miracles about the incarnation of Christ and how it is wrapped around us in our humanity. (more on that later)



But anyways...not to rag on my church. I love my church and the people there. But I have just been getting tired of hearing the same of old things from the Evangelical circle. I don't understand everything or even very much about the incarnation of Christ. But I do think it was more of an explosion of love than a huge singing Christmas tree. I feel like all the energy that was released when such a huge and perfect Christ became such a small and humble man can be found in the unmeasurable amounts of love seen in his life and the cross.



Last week Bek and I picked a girl up that was walking on the side of the road. With no coat. In the middle of an ice storm.



I've never done this before.



We gave her a coat, and took her about 5-10 miles down town. I think she had already walked that amount before we picked her up. Her family didn't have any electricity due to the ice storm, so she was walking to her boyfriend's house. Her name was Debbie. Part of me wonders how comfortable Debbie would be watching our Christmas program. Maybe its more about us going out than trying to sell the Gospel and lure people in.

Not that I can say I practice this... I don't walk a lot of my talk. But I'm just thinking.

It's Best to Start Small

I've been reading in Matthew for the past couple weeks. This last week God has been teaching me more about what it means to be the person I want to be as a "missionary." Not just a missionary in India or across the world but here, right now. I tend to get overwhelmed with this subject. Sometimes I get so excited about the rest of the world and seeing it and it's people, that I forget that right here in America is my mission field.

And so why am I writing this three days before I go to live in Ireland for a semester? I think God is showing me that He just wants small steps. Sometimes I feel like it has to be like India where everyone has to say they've never heard of their Savior's name and they want to ask him into their lives. But Jesus is saying in Matthew that even though its a huge job, a huge decision to live for Him and to give our lives, that he still knows we're human.

Jesus says to start with those around us. Our neighbors. Touch the untouchables here, not just in India. He says to be gentle in our conversation to those that are welcoming. And to move on when others don't welcome us. Jesus doesn't expect or even want us to beat people over the head with the Bible and say the sinners prayer with everyone we talk to.

Jesus wants us to join his team. He wants to be stood up for. Then, he will stand up for us infront of his father. He wants us with him through thick and thin. We don't deserve him. But once we forget ourselves, we find what we are looking for. We find both Jesus and who we truely are.

Jesus says its best to start small. After surrendering each day to him, follow him through the day and let him use you when the chance is there. I think its about walking with him, honoring him, being sensitive to his spirirt, and then taking those small steps of love towards others.

Love is the way to people's hearts. Love is what Jesus is about. Love is what should be seen in our lives. Love is what should be wrapped in and out of our conversations with others.

That's what Jesus wants.

God Colors

Jesus told use to be the light of the world.

"Here's another way to put it: You're to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world."

What does it mean to bring out the God colors in the world? Light is how we see color. Light is what gives depth, and height, and light is absorbed and colors are reflected. Without light, there is nothing. There is darkness.

As the light, we are to be like Jesus. We must share the truth. We must be the truth. The darkness should fade as we shine the love of Christ to others. The darkness should fade as we obey Christ each day and are made righteous through him. The darkness should fade when we proclaim His truth and do not settle for less.

When we as God's people, find ourselves in the dark, we must go back to the cross. Go back to the ultimate light-bearer. To be light we must also take up our cross as Christ did. Being light means sacrifice. It means choosing Christ over our self. It means doing what's God's desire is rather than our selfish and many times sinful desires may be.

As we sacrifice more and more, as we do His will over ours, as we become righteous through His beautiful transformation, our light becomes brighter. And the God colors, they are rich and beautiful. As the darkness fades, we see shapes and colors that were once hidden in darkness. With His right amount of light, the world's beauty is exposed.

Beauty Comes From a Broken Surrender

Broken, Shattered.

I lay crumbled, sharp glass,

Upon the cold tile floor.

Unrecoginized, nothing.

Can make me,

What I was.

He stands there,

Yelling-I will never,

Be anything.

His words seem to break,

My shattered pieces,

Smaller, into nothing.

He says I'm nothing.

Never, will I be whole.

Nothing.

Then the potter comes,

He picks up the pieces.

His hands strong.

Pain is present in both.

As my brokeness cuts,

Him.

His love and blood,

Are strong-I'm

Something.

He molds.

He puts together.

I am new.

I am what I once,

Was not.

I am his creaton.

The enemy lies.

He says-I'm too broken.

Nothing.

The potter says,

"Broken"

That's how I use you.

He made the ocean for me

I think God made the ocean for me. He romaces me with the beauty of every time I go to the beach. Sure, it's more new to me than to others since I'm from Missouri...but the fact is, I love the ocean. I think the ocean reminds me a lot of God. I think you can always see part of the creator in his creation. God is powerful like the ocean, and always surprising me with His every changing glory. The ocean holds life, just like God. The ocean is beautiful and is always different while staying the same as it always has been. The ocean resembles it's creator.

Walk by Faith

Live by Faith

Surrender to me daily.

This is what God has been telling me lately. Each morning I must trust him and surrender my plans and trust that his are best.

"It's the word of faith that welcomes God to go to work and set things right for us. This is the core of our preaching. Say the welcoming word to God- 'Jesus is my Master'-embracing body and soul, God's work of doing in us what he did in raising Jesus from the dead. That's it. You're not 'doing' anything; you're simply calling out to God, trusting him to do it for you. That's salvation. With your whole being you embrace God setting things right, and then you say it, right out loud 'God has set everything right between him and me!'"

Maybe I'll be a Nomad...or a Gypsy.

So, tonight is my first night back at home... it has been relaxing so far. I am sitting on my bed listening to the rain hit the ground. I love the summer air coming in through a window that can actually be opened (compared to the dorm rooms). Its good to be home. I was thinking as I packed up my room at school and at home tonight how it would be kind of fun to sell most of what I have. I am currently reading a book called Tales of a Female Nomad. I'm in love with it. Or atleast the idea. This women sells everything and the rest of her belongings fit in a backpack. She travels the world and meets amazing people...sees amazing things. She gets to see so much more of God and I don't think this lady even knows him. I think it would be wonderful to do this. To just travel and live by the moment. Swim in rivers with people who don't speak english, ride a moped with a complete stranger, drink a cup of coffee with a little old local Italian man. This seems to be the life. Full of adventure and freedom. Maybe after JBU I can do this... some how wait on paying those loans (see reality is making my dream not near as beautiful). In this book, the author says something pretty cool.

"Once I leave the U.S. I am not bound by the rules of my culture. And when I am a foreigner in another country, I am exempt from the local rules. This extraordinary situation means that there are no rules in my life."

Sure, there are rules that one needs to have in life. But part of me wants to think that once you love God, and then love others, all you need is that and the world God's given you to explore...

I think I hear Summer

So...the last few weeks have been so crazy. School has kept me busy and there are all the other last minute things. Like remembering that I am an RA and not only do I have to move myself out but my entire hall. And then the stress gets more and more intense. There are hours and somtimes even a day when I catch my breath and then it comes again... Of course I always seem to have more time for everything and anything else but God. My struggles come when I try to do things on my own, and I know I need Him. But not only is Jesus here. He wants me to delight in the things he has given me daily. God is beautiful and deserves to be praised even when I am stressed. How I praise and worship should not depend on me. God is God and deserves praise all the time.

Even though there is stress, I can't help but smile when I think about how much Jesus does love me and how well he knows his children. He knows we are people that get tired and need rest. He even gives us college students a few months off. I was and still am disappointed that India is not an option this summer. My heart still aches for the country. For the people, to walk down commerece street in Bangalore, wearing my punjabi, bightly colored bangals, the smell of the material my scarf is made out of thats hanging off my shoulders. Seeing the beautiful brown people, and hearing "You like? 45 Rupees." as they nod their heads from side to side. I would love to hear the horns beeping like crazy and see the Indian women smile as I walk along the shops of beautiful clothing and wood carvings.

Instead...Flordia. I wonder if I could be anywhere opposite. But then again...God will still amaze me with his beauty. I get to spend a summer living right next to one of my favorite things! The ocean! I get to run along the waves and eat icecream. I get live with my best friend and stay with amazing people. New friends are coming along with rosy checks and hopefully a new and amazing surf girl... haha. Anways, summer has always been my favorite. God is good and knows what he is doing. I just have to do the one thing I'm bad at. I must trust. I have to trust that just as God is good now, he will still be good and just this summer...and next semester in Ireland...and Forever. He deserves my constant praise. Jesus, help me do this. Help me to stay close to your heart and put my passion in you! Let me overflow with a love and energy for you!!!

Your Peace Is Overwelming

What happened was this: People knew God perfectly well, but when they didn't treat him like God, refusing to worship him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives. They pretended to know it all, but were illiterate regarding life. They traded the glory of God who holds the whole world in his hands for cheap figurines you can buy at any roadside stand.





This isn't me is it? I love God... but some how this is me. At times I don't feel like worshiping God. I'm too tired to have my quiet time, and too tired to go to church. And then they come, I step out of God and His grace... I walk down the street and without him I decide to purchase the idols of my heart. I decide that my own flesh and desires, that Satan is trying to bargin me with...are better than really seeking the one who loves me. Who loves me the same know matter how much good or bad I do. I leave the God who has and will always love me. all of me. and He will never hurt me.



Jesus,

Help me to stay close to your heart. Let me love you and live in your grace, rather than the lies of the world. Let me be aware that this is a battle that occurs daily. Give me strength to look to you. Thank you for encouraging me with friends and family that love you. Show me your will for my life. Let me seek your face God. I want to experience more of you and your beauty. I love you. Let me rest in you and your peace.

My Family

My family. Family is something that you can't replace. Family is something that God brings into our lives that we don't get to pick. But the thing is families are made to honor and glorify God. I love my family and how God has put them in my life. Family is not always easy and not always fun... but family is and always has been family. We are called to love one another as God has loved us. Even though it may be hard we must constantly deny ourselves for the ones closest to us. It is easy to be selfish with those closest to us, but it should be the opposite. We should constantly be denying ourselves to show love to our brother, or sister, mother, father, or step-sister, or step-mom.

I love my family. No one else has a family like mine. My dad makes me laugh so much and has a big heart that if you get close enough, you can see it in his eyes. My mom is caring and would die for her children and loves to help those in need. My sister makes things funny all the time, she loves to help those like my mom and tells jokes like our dad. My brother is becoming a man of God, he is one of the sweetest boys I know. My step-mom is the cutest thing ever. She loves with all of her heart and cares for her girls like no one else I know. My sister Mary, she is beautiful and has been my best friend for a long time and desires to honor God with her life. Nic, well she is the wise and older sister who loves Jesus so much you can see it in her face. Jenny has been someone to look up to and her laugh is contageous. And Rebekah? She has been involved in so many parts of my life. Cousin, friend, roomate, and so much more... Even when we are apart so much, the times we are together are always better than ever.

Who else has a family like me? No one. Sometimes things can get bad but that is exactly what Satan wants, he doesn't want any glory to go to God. Jesus knows all things and wants us to constantly go to him when this "Family thing" gets too hard.

Jesus gave me this verse this morning and I knew it was my verse for my family.

Colossians 3:12-14

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

God makes families to show His people more of His love.

Questions

Why can't I?
Why, Lord, can't I
be with the people of passion.
I long to live among the purples
and pinks of Indian spirit.

Why can't I?
Why, Lord, can't I
serve you in the way I desire to?
To sing praises to you in Tamil
and hold Jansi's and Shoba's hands?

Why can't I?
Why Lord, can't I
take in all the Indian babies,
and call them my own?
And instead... live here?

Why can't I?
Why, Lord, can't I
go barefoot in my punjabi
and eat with my fingers?
Do you hear my questions?

Why can't I?
Why, Lord, can't I
hear your voice?
or see your face?
Why, Lord, cant I?

You answer.
and I can't hear-
all I know,
is Walk by Faith.

Seeing more of His face

This spring break I was lucky enough to get to go to Florida for the first time in my life. It was so good to just have a break from life. My best friends and I went and stayed with a little family on Amelia Island. I was refreshed by the waves hitting my feet, hot coffee and cinnamon rolls, and enough laughs to make my stomach hurt.

Funny thing is, as much as the beauty of Island warmed my heart, the people we were able to stay with warmed my soul (cheesy I know). But really...Lauren and I were saying how beautiful God and His people are. There are so many beautiful believers around the world that I have yet to meet! And this last week... I met some pretty cool ones. These people are the ones that make you want to strive harder to walk by faith, to live a life pleasing to our Father. I have come back from Florida with a tan but also with a desire to seek Jesus and love Him with all of my heart. Thank you Jesus, for your people and for the body. You know my heart and my soul. Thank you for refreshing me in the way I needed to be. Let me love you first and with all my heart. Let me seek and follow you even when I may not hear your voice. Continue to mold me Jesus, mold me and teach me your wisdom. Let me have the faith to ask for your wisdom and believe that you will give it to me. Break me, teach me, mold me. Mold me Lord into your beautiful servant. Let me have authentic beauty that brings others closer to you. Break me, teach me, mold me, use me. Jesus, use me through out the earth. Let me be your light and an example of your love. Let me wake up each morning and hold your hand throughout the day. You are number one, Jesus. You have always been here and always will be. My life is short and meaningless. You, Jesus are the lover of soul and can turn my messed heart and mind to a beautiful one that desires to serve you and not the world. This is my prayer Jesus. You know me. Let me Experience YOU!

Let me Love you more Lord

The More I Seek You

The more I seek You

The more I find You

The more I find You

The more I love You
I wanna sit at Your feet

Drink from the cup in Your hand

Lay back against You and breathe

Feel Your heartbeat

This love is so deep

It’s more than I can stand

I melt in Your peace

It’s overwhelming

As I give more of my heart the call becomes greater

The last few weeks have been so packed full of me surrendering my dreams and God give them back to me even bigger. I really have such a little idea to what He is calling me to do and what His plans are. All I know is that the more I give this dream of going and working with the people of India to Him, the stronger the pull is upon my heart. At times my heart will hurt due to me missing the beautiful country and the people there. Lately, my heart has been aching as it is pulled. Pulled by God. Each day I feel more and more that God is calling me to live a life that is way out of my comfort zone. That is exciting. It is also really scary. It is hard to tell people, mostly friends and family that I may be living in another country for the rest of my life. do I know that for sure? no. Do I know India for sure? no. Do I know who I will go with? no. Do I know what is going to happen? no.


no.no.no.no. thats the answer. But then when Jesus asks me like He did to Peter, "Do you love me?" yes. "Will you follow me?" yes. "Will you die for me?" yes.


Jesus is the love of my life and He is crazy jealous for me. I most make sure that He is the one and only love of my life. And when I answer "yes" to those questions, that means yes in India and yes in Arkansas, even if my heart is being pulled in another direction. All I know is that it must all be given to God...and Jesus is pretty crazy. Who knows what He has for me.

The Love of My Life

The work that I desire to do in India is for God. But the more I have been thinking about India this week, the more God has been working in my heart to teach me what that really means. As I read through the book, "The Wild-Bird Child," about the life of Amy Carmichael, my heart longs to have a life like hers. But then again, can I even begin to understand the amount of strength she had in the Lord to do what she did? God has been showing me so much. I have begun to understand why God might give me the trials He does. Of course, it is easier to say such a thing when you aren't in the middle of one. But I do believe with all my heart that God allows all things in my life for a reason. God is growing and teaching me for His glory. And for the time being, I believe He has called me to do His work in India when I graduate from JBU. Maybe that will change, but right now I cannot remove that call from my heart. I know that God works in and through me daily, and that His "plan" doesn't mean one part of my life. But I cannot tell my heart to stop hoping and anticipating that God will choose to use me in India. There is always the chance of God using this love for something different and greater, but for the time being the desire to serve God in India is like nothing I have ever felt before. Sometimes, I miss India so much that it would be hard to believe I have only spent three weeks of my life there. Each and every day I have to remind myself that going to college first is God's plan for me and that it is in HIS TIME. I must be careful to make sure I am asking God to use me in His plan, rather than inviting Him into mine. Through tears and prayers the other night I asked myself, "Do I love serving God or serving God in India more?" I think that at times I can become so wrapped up in the idea of serving that I forget to serve, and to really love the one I serve. I know deep done, that if it was not in God's plan for me to serve in India, as sad as that would be to me now, I wouldn't do it. I love Jesus with all my heart, and I would serve Him somewhere else if that is what He called me to do. And maybe that is all He is asking, for me to simply put Him first, as the love of my life. His plans are beautiful and great. God is a big God who gave me a love for India and has my best interests at heart. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with excitement and fear when wondering how God will use me. All I know, is that the people in history who have chosen to follow Christ with all their heart and soul, thinking only of that which is eternal, have made huge impacts for Christ, whether anyone knows it at the time or not. I want to be broken, to be humbled, to be used. Some might say that I am too much of a dreamer and that doing this "sort of thing," like spending my life in India, is a lot harder than I think. I never said I thought it would be easy. But I know God never calls His people to things they cannot do without His strength. Some might worry about my strong desire to serve, and currently being a single woman, but the last time I checked, my God was stronger than any man. This does not mean that I won't serve with other believers, but my God loves and cares for me more than any human ever could. My Jesus is the love of my life, who will always keep me within His arms and will follow me to the darkest corner of the world. The way I look at it, I have nothing to worry about. As long as I am in love with Jesus, His grace will be enough.

In Your Timing

So, due to the health of our team leader, our trip to India next summer has been cancled. I am so thankful that Ron is getting better and that God has kept him safe. I am still disappointed that it looks like I might not being going back to India as soon as I thought. God has given me so much more of a peace about this than I had. I know God will only send me in His time and when I am ready.

I keep thinking about India daily, and I pray that God will bring me back to live in the culture that I love so much. Maybe more things will open up for me being able to go and maybe they won't. I have to learn to trust God in ALL things and know that His plan is so much better than mine. For now, I will have to wear my Indian clothes here in America and get funny looks, nod my head from side to side alone, and pray with all my heart each and every day for the country I love. In your time Lord, in your time....

Break for Christmas Fun

Well, tonight I am almost halfway home for the break. My friend Billy brought Austin and I to Joplin to my best friend Lauren's house. Austin and I are hanging out here until Rebekah gets here tonight, and then we will leave and be home tomorrow : )
As I think about the last semester it seems to have went by really fast but so much has happened at the same time. Being an RA has been such a growing experience, and I am looking forward to the break to process everything that has happened and the things that God has taught me and is still using to mold me.
I think that after a few weeks away from being an RA and being able to rest a little I will be able to say more of what I have really learned. I have been praying that over this break not only would I have a good holiday with my family but that my passion would be renewed for God. I desire to know more of who Jesus is and love Him with more of my heart each day. I pray that God would continue to open doors for me to go back to India, and that He would also help me serve the girls on my hall and be content in a place that my heart really isn't in. Well, God knows a lot more than me...and hopefully, each day I will get a little smarter. As for now, I will have some Christmas fun. : )

Vogue X2

Best Friends + College + Crazy Vogue Fashion = A really good time

Can We Just Lay Here?

Snow Patrol
Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Hmmm.....

I realized tonight that this blog could be a lot more public than I think. No one has a blog spot. So that means no one comments. I wonder how many people read what I write.... Oh well, I guess I can just write more on the surface. Save the juicy stuff for later...

So, I really like the song above. I currently have it on repeat. And by the way. My dad is getting married. No comment.

I dont really even know what to say. I guess when you get in the habit of thinking about others reading what you are writing later, it is hard to do the writing.

I dont really know if I want to be an RA anymore.

I think everyone thinks it is easy and they dont get why that would be the case.

I get to live in Ireland fall of 2007.

I want to see the whole world.

Do I let everyone down?

Does anyone really know me?

Besides Lauren and Ellen?

How do I tell people what I feel, without thinking that the world will fall apart when the words come out of my mouth?

I love India.

I dont want to do school anymore this semester.

I love my family.

How long can I spend with them?

Right now,

I feel like laying in the middle of quad, right where the light pole is. It would be warm outside. But dark. Night. The light pole would be on. I would be laying on my back. It would be pouring down rain. And I would lay there. And open my hands and eyes and watch the huge drops of rain pour all over me.

I feel so..... unable to explain how I feel. And that is frusterating.