I think I hear Summer

So...the last few weeks have been so crazy. School has kept me busy and there are all the other last minute things. Like remembering that I am an RA and not only do I have to move myself out but my entire hall. And then the stress gets more and more intense. There are hours and somtimes even a day when I catch my breath and then it comes again... Of course I always seem to have more time for everything and anything else but God. My struggles come when I try to do things on my own, and I know I need Him. But not only is Jesus here. He wants me to delight in the things he has given me daily. God is beautiful and deserves to be praised even when I am stressed. How I praise and worship should not depend on me. God is God and deserves praise all the time.

Even though there is stress, I can't help but smile when I think about how much Jesus does love me and how well he knows his children. He knows we are people that get tired and need rest. He even gives us college students a few months off. I was and still am disappointed that India is not an option this summer. My heart still aches for the country. For the people, to walk down commerece street in Bangalore, wearing my punjabi, bightly colored bangals, the smell of the material my scarf is made out of thats hanging off my shoulders. Seeing the beautiful brown people, and hearing "You like? 45 Rupees." as they nod their heads from side to side. I would love to hear the horns beeping like crazy and see the Indian women smile as I walk along the shops of beautiful clothing and wood carvings.

Instead...Flordia. I wonder if I could be anywhere opposite. But then again...God will still amaze me with his beauty. I get to spend a summer living right next to one of my favorite things! The ocean! I get to run along the waves and eat icecream. I get live with my best friend and stay with amazing people. New friends are coming along with rosy checks and hopefully a new and amazing surf girl... haha. Anways, summer has always been my favorite. God is good and knows what he is doing. I just have to do the one thing I'm bad at. I must trust. I have to trust that just as God is good now, he will still be good and just this summer...and next semester in Ireland...and Forever. He deserves my constant praise. Jesus, help me do this. Help me to stay close to your heart and put my passion in you! Let me overflow with a love and energy for you!!!

Your Peace Is Overwelming

What happened was this: People knew God perfectly well, but when they didn't treat him like God, refusing to worship him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives. They pretended to know it all, but were illiterate regarding life. They traded the glory of God who holds the whole world in his hands for cheap figurines you can buy at any roadside stand.





This isn't me is it? I love God... but some how this is me. At times I don't feel like worshiping God. I'm too tired to have my quiet time, and too tired to go to church. And then they come, I step out of God and His grace... I walk down the street and without him I decide to purchase the idols of my heart. I decide that my own flesh and desires, that Satan is trying to bargin me with...are better than really seeking the one who loves me. Who loves me the same know matter how much good or bad I do. I leave the God who has and will always love me. all of me. and He will never hurt me.



Jesus,

Help me to stay close to your heart. Let me love you and live in your grace, rather than the lies of the world. Let me be aware that this is a battle that occurs daily. Give me strength to look to you. Thank you for encouraging me with friends and family that love you. Show me your will for my life. Let me seek your face God. I want to experience more of you and your beauty. I love you. Let me rest in you and your peace.

My Family

My family. Family is something that you can't replace. Family is something that God brings into our lives that we don't get to pick. But the thing is families are made to honor and glorify God. I love my family and how God has put them in my life. Family is not always easy and not always fun... but family is and always has been family. We are called to love one another as God has loved us. Even though it may be hard we must constantly deny ourselves for the ones closest to us. It is easy to be selfish with those closest to us, but it should be the opposite. We should constantly be denying ourselves to show love to our brother, or sister, mother, father, or step-sister, or step-mom.

I love my family. No one else has a family like mine. My dad makes me laugh so much and has a big heart that if you get close enough, you can see it in his eyes. My mom is caring and would die for her children and loves to help those in need. My sister makes things funny all the time, she loves to help those like my mom and tells jokes like our dad. My brother is becoming a man of God, he is one of the sweetest boys I know. My step-mom is the cutest thing ever. She loves with all of her heart and cares for her girls like no one else I know. My sister Mary, she is beautiful and has been my best friend for a long time and desires to honor God with her life. Nic, well she is the wise and older sister who loves Jesus so much you can see it in her face. Jenny has been someone to look up to and her laugh is contageous. And Rebekah? She has been involved in so many parts of my life. Cousin, friend, roomate, and so much more... Even when we are apart so much, the times we are together are always better than ever.

Who else has a family like me? No one. Sometimes things can get bad but that is exactly what Satan wants, he doesn't want any glory to go to God. Jesus knows all things and wants us to constantly go to him when this "Family thing" gets too hard.

Jesus gave me this verse this morning and I knew it was my verse for my family.

Colossians 3:12-14

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

God makes families to show His people more of His love.

Questions

Why can't I?
Why, Lord, can't I
be with the people of passion.
I long to live among the purples
and pinks of Indian spirit.

Why can't I?
Why, Lord, can't I
serve you in the way I desire to?
To sing praises to you in Tamil
and hold Jansi's and Shoba's hands?

Why can't I?
Why Lord, can't I
take in all the Indian babies,
and call them my own?
And instead... live here?

Why can't I?
Why, Lord, can't I
go barefoot in my punjabi
and eat with my fingers?
Do you hear my questions?

Why can't I?
Why, Lord, can't I
hear your voice?
or see your face?
Why, Lord, cant I?

You answer.
and I can't hear-
all I know,
is Walk by Faith.

Seeing more of His face

This spring break I was lucky enough to get to go to Florida for the first time in my life. It was so good to just have a break from life. My best friends and I went and stayed with a little family on Amelia Island. I was refreshed by the waves hitting my feet, hot coffee and cinnamon rolls, and enough laughs to make my stomach hurt.

Funny thing is, as much as the beauty of Island warmed my heart, the people we were able to stay with warmed my soul (cheesy I know). But really...Lauren and I were saying how beautiful God and His people are. There are so many beautiful believers around the world that I have yet to meet! And this last week... I met some pretty cool ones. These people are the ones that make you want to strive harder to walk by faith, to live a life pleasing to our Father. I have come back from Florida with a tan but also with a desire to seek Jesus and love Him with all of my heart. Thank you Jesus, for your people and for the body. You know my heart and my soul. Thank you for refreshing me in the way I needed to be. Let me love you first and with all my heart. Let me seek and follow you even when I may not hear your voice. Continue to mold me Jesus, mold me and teach me your wisdom. Let me have the faith to ask for your wisdom and believe that you will give it to me. Break me, teach me, mold me. Mold me Lord into your beautiful servant. Let me have authentic beauty that brings others closer to you. Break me, teach me, mold me, use me. Jesus, use me through out the earth. Let me be your light and an example of your love. Let me wake up each morning and hold your hand throughout the day. You are number one, Jesus. You have always been here and always will be. My life is short and meaningless. You, Jesus are the lover of soul and can turn my messed heart and mind to a beautiful one that desires to serve you and not the world. This is my prayer Jesus. You know me. Let me Experience YOU!

Let me Love you more Lord

The More I Seek You

The more I seek You

The more I find You

The more I find You

The more I love You
I wanna sit at Your feet

Drink from the cup in Your hand

Lay back against You and breathe

Feel Your heartbeat

This love is so deep

It’s more than I can stand

I melt in Your peace

It’s overwhelming

As I give more of my heart the call becomes greater

The last few weeks have been so packed full of me surrendering my dreams and God give them back to me even bigger. I really have such a little idea to what He is calling me to do and what His plans are. All I know is that the more I give this dream of going and working with the people of India to Him, the stronger the pull is upon my heart. At times my heart will hurt due to me missing the beautiful country and the people there. Lately, my heart has been aching as it is pulled. Pulled by God. Each day I feel more and more that God is calling me to live a life that is way out of my comfort zone. That is exciting. It is also really scary. It is hard to tell people, mostly friends and family that I may be living in another country for the rest of my life. do I know that for sure? no. Do I know India for sure? no. Do I know who I will go with? no. Do I know what is going to happen? no.


no.no.no.no. thats the answer. But then when Jesus asks me like He did to Peter, "Do you love me?" yes. "Will you follow me?" yes. "Will you die for me?" yes.


Jesus is the love of my life and He is crazy jealous for me. I most make sure that He is the one and only love of my life. And when I answer "yes" to those questions, that means yes in India and yes in Arkansas, even if my heart is being pulled in another direction. All I know is that it must all be given to God...and Jesus is pretty crazy. Who knows what He has for me.

The Love of My Life

The work that I desire to do in India is for God. But the more I have been thinking about India this week, the more God has been working in my heart to teach me what that really means. As I read through the book, "The Wild-Bird Child," about the life of Amy Carmichael, my heart longs to have a life like hers. But then again, can I even begin to understand the amount of strength she had in the Lord to do what she did? God has been showing me so much. I have begun to understand why God might give me the trials He does. Of course, it is easier to say such a thing when you aren't in the middle of one. But I do believe with all my heart that God allows all things in my life for a reason. God is growing and teaching me for His glory. And for the time being, I believe He has called me to do His work in India when I graduate from JBU. Maybe that will change, but right now I cannot remove that call from my heart. I know that God works in and through me daily, and that His "plan" doesn't mean one part of my life. But I cannot tell my heart to stop hoping and anticipating that God will choose to use me in India. There is always the chance of God using this love for something different and greater, but for the time being the desire to serve God in India is like nothing I have ever felt before. Sometimes, I miss India so much that it would be hard to believe I have only spent three weeks of my life there. Each and every day I have to remind myself that going to college first is God's plan for me and that it is in HIS TIME. I must be careful to make sure I am asking God to use me in His plan, rather than inviting Him into mine. Through tears and prayers the other night I asked myself, "Do I love serving God or serving God in India more?" I think that at times I can become so wrapped up in the idea of serving that I forget to serve, and to really love the one I serve. I know deep done, that if it was not in God's plan for me to serve in India, as sad as that would be to me now, I wouldn't do it. I love Jesus with all my heart, and I would serve Him somewhere else if that is what He called me to do. And maybe that is all He is asking, for me to simply put Him first, as the love of my life. His plans are beautiful and great. God is a big God who gave me a love for India and has my best interests at heart. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with excitement and fear when wondering how God will use me. All I know, is that the people in history who have chosen to follow Christ with all their heart and soul, thinking only of that which is eternal, have made huge impacts for Christ, whether anyone knows it at the time or not. I want to be broken, to be humbled, to be used. Some might say that I am too much of a dreamer and that doing this "sort of thing," like spending my life in India, is a lot harder than I think. I never said I thought it would be easy. But I know God never calls His people to things they cannot do without His strength. Some might worry about my strong desire to serve, and currently being a single woman, but the last time I checked, my God was stronger than any man. This does not mean that I won't serve with other believers, but my God loves and cares for me more than any human ever could. My Jesus is the love of my life, who will always keep me within His arms and will follow me to the darkest corner of the world. The way I look at it, I have nothing to worry about. As long as I am in love with Jesus, His grace will be enough.

In Your Timing

So, due to the health of our team leader, our trip to India next summer has been cancled. I am so thankful that Ron is getting better and that God has kept him safe. I am still disappointed that it looks like I might not being going back to India as soon as I thought. God has given me so much more of a peace about this than I had. I know God will only send me in His time and when I am ready.

I keep thinking about India daily, and I pray that God will bring me back to live in the culture that I love so much. Maybe more things will open up for me being able to go and maybe they won't. I have to learn to trust God in ALL things and know that His plan is so much better than mine. For now, I will have to wear my Indian clothes here in America and get funny looks, nod my head from side to side alone, and pray with all my heart each and every day for the country I love. In your time Lord, in your time....

Break for Christmas Fun

Well, tonight I am almost halfway home for the break. My friend Billy brought Austin and I to Joplin to my best friend Lauren's house. Austin and I are hanging out here until Rebekah gets here tonight, and then we will leave and be home tomorrow : )
As I think about the last semester it seems to have went by really fast but so much has happened at the same time. Being an RA has been such a growing experience, and I am looking forward to the break to process everything that has happened and the things that God has taught me and is still using to mold me.
I think that after a few weeks away from being an RA and being able to rest a little I will be able to say more of what I have really learned. I have been praying that over this break not only would I have a good holiday with my family but that my passion would be renewed for God. I desire to know more of who Jesus is and love Him with more of my heart each day. I pray that God would continue to open doors for me to go back to India, and that He would also help me serve the girls on my hall and be content in a place that my heart really isn't in. Well, God knows a lot more than me...and hopefully, each day I will get a little smarter. As for now, I will have some Christmas fun. : )

Vogue X2

Best Friends + College + Crazy Vogue Fashion = A really good time

Can We Just Lay Here?

Snow Patrol
Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Hmmm.....

I realized tonight that this blog could be a lot more public than I think. No one has a blog spot. So that means no one comments. I wonder how many people read what I write.... Oh well, I guess I can just write more on the surface. Save the juicy stuff for later...

So, I really like the song above. I currently have it on repeat. And by the way. My dad is getting married. No comment.

I dont really even know what to say. I guess when you get in the habit of thinking about others reading what you are writing later, it is hard to do the writing.

I dont really know if I want to be an RA anymore.

I think everyone thinks it is easy and they dont get why that would be the case.

I get to live in Ireland fall of 2007.

I want to see the whole world.

Do I let everyone down?

Does anyone really know me?

Besides Lauren and Ellen?

How do I tell people what I feel, without thinking that the world will fall apart when the words come out of my mouth?

I love India.

I dont want to do school anymore this semester.

I love my family.

How long can I spend with them?

Right now,

I feel like laying in the middle of quad, right where the light pole is. It would be warm outside. But dark. Night. The light pole would be on. I would be laying on my back. It would be pouring down rain. And I would lay there. And open my hands and eyes and watch the huge drops of rain pour all over me.

I feel so..... unable to explain how I feel. And that is frusterating.

Lets go sit on the quad...in Ireland :)

Well, yesterday I got the good news of finding out that my application was accepted to study for a semester in Ireland for the fall of 2007. I am so excited! I also get to take an independent photography class while I am there. At first I had my heart set on studying in Uganda. I told God to open and close doors. The doors seemed much more open to Ireland. God put a peace in my heart and let me know that although I might desire to live in Africa, now wasn't the time. So, I applied to study in Ireland with a team from JBU. Well, I didn't hear anything for awhile...I began to think maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have applied for both. But...God is good and I am not as patient as He would like me to be. I am so happy to see that God really does have the desires of my heart. He is the one who put the love for adventure and new cultures in my heart. As I seem to be in a time in my life where God says, " Rest in me, and listen to my voice" I have come to see that God is still working and loving me. His love is the same each and every day. I change, He doesn't. His love is the same when I find out He has given me an opportunity to live across the Ocean, and when I can barely hear His voice.

Warm hands on a cold heart

Once upon a time there was a girl. A girl who some would say, was made of spirit and laughter... and most of the time, they were right. But sometimes, the giggles would stop and she couldn't find her spirit. Jessa, was the spiritless girl with rosy checks. Many times, Jessa didn't know where her spirit would go. One moment there seemed to be happyness forever. And then, it would seem like all of the things that made her heart passionate would dissappear at once. It was like they forgot to come out after playing hide and seek. And sometimes, her heart would begin to feel kind of cold and numb, like her checks did after she would play outside too long in the winter. Jessa was happy. Jessa loved life. But sometimes, the passion would leave. It always came back, but each time it was gone again...Jessa wondered if this time was the time it was gone for good.



*The other day, when having a good conversation with a good friend about feeling a little passionless...I was asked, "When have you felt like you were the most intimate with Jesus?"
I knew right away.

Sitting in the pew at church I tried to keep breathing even though my heart felt like it might stop at any point. The pain in my stomach made me glad that I hadn't eaten anything before. Before the funeral. Before I began to realize that I hated God. I hated him because he left me again. He left me to live a life I no longer wanted to live. Why is it that it is always everyone else that gets to go? Why couldn't I go?? I hated him. I hated him because my heart hurt worse than it ever had before. And no one was helping me. I hated him because he loved me through everything. He loved me even when I hated him. He loved me when I blammed him. He loved me and cried with me in the church that smelled like flowers and perfume. God sat beside me, while I wore all black once again. He stode beside me as I looked down into the casket and said goodbye to another friend. That day, as I sat telling God that I hate him, I realized how much he loved me. How far his love could go. How his love can flow deeper than my deepest hurts.

I felt the most intimate when I was completely weak and broken. As I continue to be an RA, and feel like God isn't doing his job in using me...I am becoming weak. I know Jesus wants to use me. But I dont see it. I dont feel the passion. I feel tired. I desire God and what he has for me. Is he bringing me to a place that he can finally use me? I feel more like a wilted flower than something that is being broken for him to use.

Little Jessa keeps looking for her passion. She has looked far and wide. Even in India...but now she thinks she might just need to look into the eyes of the one who loves her more than anything. Is her passion found in his eyes? Probably...but he isn't too worried about that. He just wants to hold her. He wants to rock her to sleep. He wants to sing to her with love and let her know that his love is what she needs.

Where do I belong??

Lately God has been teaching me many things. That's not to say I have felt passionate about it. Actually, I have had a hard time feeling passionate since India. I know...India was a spiritual high, and now I am back to normal...but it is so much more than that. I really feel that I miss the culture and the people of India. I desire to go back. I desire to visit Africa. To live in Africa. Sometimes I just think, "God, is America really where I am suppose to be??" For this time, yes. For the rest of my life? I sure hope not. I love my country and am so blessed but I hate it at the same time. Today in chapel, a women named Princess Zulu spoke to us about her country of Africa, and being HIV positive, also told us more about AIDS. It breaks my heart. All the lives lost to AIDS in Africa, in India, in my country... we had a talk back tonight with Princess. And she taught us a song in her native language....I almost started crying and it was just a fun song. The thing is, when I was singing that song to Jesus...my passion was back, my heart was filled with joy. It was still the same Jesus I know and love....but I was able to praise him in a way that I want to praise him every day. I know that there are a million agruements to what I am writing. Blah, Blah, Blah. Each person against me might be right. But honestly, I don't care. I want to live in India and then move to Africa. I want to live in a hut and experience pain, joy, loss, and life across the world. Jesus, show me your will. Let me know I belong to you. Let me be patient with those that don't understand. And Jesus, be with each and every person that is dying of AIDS right now.

Jesus...you know me...

Jesus, you know me. You know my heart. I love you Lord. I know you love me. Sometimes it is so easy to get wrapped up in my own life, in my own worries and struggles. I know I try to do things on my own Jesus. Draw me close to you!! Sometimes I feel so lost but so good at making it seem that I know where I am going. I have all the right things to say but when it comes to doing them, I freeze. Jesus...I love India. I know it was a spiritual high but it really feels like so much more than that too. It was hard but I loved the people and the children and the culture... I want to go back Lord. You have surprised me with this passion for a place I never really thought about a year ago. Take me back to India. Raise the money. Let me have faith that your will is going to be done! Sometimes I think people think I like India because it is easier to talk about God when people want to hear about it. Maybe it is true...but I feel that you have called me to do missions Lord. And sometimes...it seems I have to explain it to the people who should support me. Let me trust you Jesus. Draw me close to your heart. Let me breathe you each day Jesus. Let me fall head over heels in love with you! I sometimes am scared or think negatively about love...let me see its beauty with you Jesus. I thank you for so many blessings. So many things you give to me. Let me serve you each day. Let me speak truth and love. You know me Lord. You know my heart. I love you!

You Have Stolen My Heart

This is the first time I have ever felt homesick for a country other than my own. Maybe it isn't just the country. I know it's not just India that my soul is aching for... I long to see the kids that I have fallen in love with. I think about games of cricket in the Indian evenings; the smell of people and food and flowers; I never want the henna on my hand to fade...sitting in church yesterday my soul ached for India. We sang songs of our freedom and liberty in Christ as I closed my eyes to see the faces of the ones who have stolen my heart. Tomorrow is my favorite holiday...yes, as strange as it is...I love the smell of hotdogs and hamburgers dancing through the air as the sky is lit up with fireworks. I love to swim all day and feel my burnt checks as I pretend I am seven again and play with sparklers.... but tomorrow.....I will love my country and my favorite holiday...but I will know that India has stolen my heart.

India

WAITING FOR THE KING

*Almond eyes of children in colorless clothing
*are painted in my mind
*wrinkled hands of widows gently
*rest on mine as my rich
*crimson scarf, wipes each tear
*waiting for the king
*the sweet singing of orange flowers
*rings in the indian trees
*the taste of mangos and spicy air
*dances upon my sunburnt lips
*waiting for the king
*my heart becomes the sand
*that sits along the indian coast

Worship the King

This weekend my friends and I saw Shawn McDonald in concert. In the front row, I was amazed to watch his face as he sang and his hands as he played. He was in another world. He was worshiping God. I began to think of how it is amazing to see all the many ways to worship God. After the show my friends Lauren, Rebekah, and I talked with Shawn's wife Kate for almost a half an hour. I began to think that she was worshiping God too. They both share their loves with so many. Shawn stayed and signed autographs and talked with fans for about an hour after the show. They were real people pouring out God's love onto others. As I get ready to leave for India in just a few days, I know why I am going... I am going to Worship the King. I am not sure on everything I will be doing, but I do know that each day for three weeks I will have the chance to pour God's love on a people who have never felt it before. We can all worship God each and every day of our lives. We can sing. We can dance. We can talk. We can hug. We can love. Shawn worships God with music. I know that God will use me to sing his song of love in India.