Back in the real world. But not really participating...

Well,  as I said... I'm back in the real world.  I would have to say that I'm not really participating in this thing called the real world. Mainly because I have my own house now, I'm paying rent, being an adult but sort of feel like I'm tricking everyone. Its not some evil plan. I've just had a really hard time finding a job. I guess when you come back from an adventure in Spain in the middle of the summer everyone already has been hired for their summer job. I am however, going to start stocking vending machines in the Simmons plants here in good Ol' Siloam. But its only part time. Meaning, from 8-10 at night. I may have walked through a plant with a hairnet on today. God loves to make me smile : ) 

But, I've been thinking. What makes your day really well spent? Is it making money? Paying the bills? Because I've never really been into that kind of thing anyways. So, I've decided to try my hardest to make money (which God is actually being the provider... like someone giving me money after barely hitting my car or a job working orientation where I'm given 900 dollars... things like that) but really I just have to live each day productively, but also... live each day a day at a time, and really for today. Not yesterday in Spain... or tomorrow hopefully in India. Why don't I just love my summer afternoons reading while I have the chance? Or taking pictures? Or getting to know God like He wants me to... or spend time applying for the mission board that I won't have the time to do during the school year. Do I have to feel guilty for not finding a job but God still providing? Is it okay to remain unstressed and relaxed in my favorite time of the year? 

I think so. 

Camera Shy

Some Art...

Nerja: the most beautiful place in the world (that I've seen)

The first few pictures are actually of Malaga. Which is also very pretty. On Sunday Ali and I climbed a huge mountain (felt like it) to see out on top of the city. You can see the place they fight the bulls, the port, and the sea and mountains. Very pretty. The other picture is of Ali and me at the top. We also met a few cool American girls on our way back from Nerja on Saturday. Fe, Tess, and Poppy. Poppy is living here in Malaga and her friends were visiting. So Ali and I hung out with them after running into them twice in two days (we figured it was meant to be). Ali and I spent Saturday in a town east of Malaga. Nerja is beautiful! We laid out on the beaches and had a great weekend. Poppy is still here in Malaga so we are going to have dinner together this week. Fun stuff. : ) 

The picture of the girl making bracelets was a girl from England. I thought she was pretty cool. Some may think differently, but she was basically a hippy living in a van in Spain. She makes beautiful bracelets and sells them by the sea each day. We talked for awhile. She likes photography too  :)

Anyways, I only have two weeks left. I'm sure it will go fast. It really has so far. Spain is beautiful. I find I enjoy it a lot more when I experience it with other people too. Pray that God will use me, and I can keep learning from Him and also work some too : )

Love and miss you guys!

The Sun and The Rain

 

God is love.

God is beauty.

He is the sunrise and the sunset.

He is the butterfly and the eagle.

God is color.

God is laughter.

He is knowledge.

He is all-knowing.

New and old. 

Strong and gentle.

God touches my face.

God holds the earth with the same hands.

He is the artist.

He is the musician.

Everywhere and walking with me.

No birthday and no end.

God is love.

God is beauty. 

Just A Few

Every Soul Is Still A Soul

Lately I feel like all the things I've been reading and thinking about are all kind of linked together. The thing is, they are different ideas and topics, but I think God is showing me that it all has to do with really knowing and following him. 

Last night I was thinking about how I naturally react to people. If I'm walking down the street and see a trendy girl, holding her starbucks... 9 times out of 10 I'll probably smile. When I pass a homeless man, I won't look at him. I started to think about why this was. I think the first natural reason is that the familiar is more comfortable. And the homeless man, well if I look, and then maybe even smile...he might want money. So... basically I'm saying that when it comes to people, I'll approve of you if you meet my standards. If you dress up to date and share my passion for overpriced coffee, you deserve a warm smile. But... if you are needy and wanting some of my money...that I can't really spare... you aren't good enough for a smile or even a look. 

And then I thought, what if I did look? And smile? And he did ask for money? What if for once I gave my 2 Euros or 5 dollars... what if I skipped out on that cup of coffee or on sale item? But  I don't. Because I've convinced myself that I will always spend the money that God has given me more wisely then someone who is living on the streets.

I've been finishing the book "Blue Like Jazz" and reading his thoughts on money. And then I was watching Hillsong United's preview for their documentary. There are 2 billion children in the world. 1 billion live in extreme poverty.

And I have plenty to eat. Plenty to wear. Plenty. Always. 

So, I guess this means two main things. One, most of the time, the world is all about me. I decide who is worthy and who isn't. And two, most of my validation comes solely from materialism. What if I was to not buy clothing for a year? I mean nothing. I would be fine. Right now, I can't think of one thing I really need. But, as time goes on...my jeans won't be the right look anymore. And the bags will need to be different. And I won't have the right shoes. And all of the sudden, practicality is in direct proportion with style and being affirmed by what I look like. 

Does it really matter that Children in Africa need clothes to go to school? I mean, nothing I have looks anything like Urban Outfitters this season...

Every Soul is a Soul.

Each person deserves the same as me. 

Life isn't fair.

I some how ended up on the good end. But I had no say in that. But I do have a say in what I do with what I am given. 

I know... another post?? Well, I have time, alright?

Ok. So, I write things and then afterwords I think of all these little things I want to say. So, I might do a list...

Today equals... 

*The sweetest Southern Lady walked a couple miles to the store with me, explaining the Spanish things, and giving me my first cooking lesson! She even gave me a few tips on how to please my husband in more ways than one. Really. 

*I didn't think I had blinds. And I don't. I have garage doors that slide over my windows as I pull a rope on the side. Really.

*Turns out, Spanish people love Olives. I think I do too.

*I like this meat called Chorizo. Its like a pepperoni. It makes my whole house smell like that when I open the fridge. 

*I didn't shower today. I thought I was out of hot water. But actually, I unplugged the electrical/gas water heater instead of the toaster.

*I love the mornings in Spain. Weird for me huh?

*My windows are open 24/7. And its perfect.

*Every now and then when the wind blows, I smell Spain. It must be a flower mixed with an earthy smell. And I swear, I smell Spain on me too sometimes. 

*I also read this thing today about how when people who are alone too much go crazy. I think I'm community often enough... hopefully : )

I overheard one of the missionaries say today that God doesn't bring you somewhere or through something that he won't use later. 

Its all for a reason, and that's comforting to know... especially when things seem uncertain at times. He knows.

*I think if I do missions after college I want to work with Children. Its what makes me smile, and gives me energy. 

Thats all of what I've been meaning to say.

p.s. Chocolate and Churros is a must. Just google it.

Work and making friends.

I started my first day of "official" work. Not really much different than last Friday except I wasn't jet-lagged.  I guess mostly what I will be doing is documenting a lot of what is going on in the Media Center here in Spain. I will be documenting projects that are going on and also help with a brochure for some of the ministries Avant offers. Honestly, I don't know if I'll be that busy during the day. I have to realize though that this is not your average 8-5 job. First of all, its prayer at 9:15, work not really starting until probably 10, and then of course breaking for Siesta from 2-4. Then working until about 7. Yeah, its a little bit different from the States. 

I think today at times I was really thinking I was bored. I sometimes just need to be working on something to really keep me interested. But I think God has been showing me these past few days that this internship is a lot more than just taking pictures. I have been using my Polaroid though... I took the picture above today as an idea for a project. 

I think I am really learning to be independent, to be content, and to reach out and ask for help. One of the women here at the center told me today that she would take me to the store and help me find what I needed and help me learn to cook for myself. It may sound ridiculous... I'm going to be 22 this summer... but at the same time, I've never lived alone... much less in Spain. I tend to get overwhelmed when I go in the store and can't read anything. I look at pictures, but I can't ask anyone for help. And so, I leave with things to make sandwiches. I'm not too worried about cooking a gourmet meal. But when I was offered help today, I thought why not learn to shop and cook in Spain? 

I've also just been bold today about taking people up on their offers to join them for meals. I'm the only single one here, and it was good to admit to one of the girls working here today that I am a people person and don't like being alone for 5-6 hours at night before I go to bed. She and her husband had me over for dinner. While she gave me tips for cooking and what she likes to buy in Spain. We listened to Spanish music and they also gave me a beginners spanish book : )

So, just an update. Things are better than they were yesterday. And it is still difficult at times, but with friends everything can be better (Cheesy but true). I've just been praying that God will show me what he has for me after I graduate and that my emotions at the time wouldn't be the factor in what I want for the future. And one point today I actually thought, "Maybe I'll just get married, have babies, and live in America." And maybe I will. I mean, I'd love to... and there is nothing wrong with that dream, but I think deep down I know that's not the dream God has given me. As Amy Carmichael has once said, I must simply keep trusting in Him to fulfill the desires he's created. 

Well, I'm here.

Just wanted to write a short post telling everyone that I have made it to Malaga Spain safely. Things have went well this first day. I tried to stay awake besides the three hour nap that kind of happened accidently. Now, its almost nine and I'm trying to find something to do in order to keep myself up as long as I can. No one likes waking up in the middle of the night...

I have a cute little apartment of my own here in Malaga. These are a few pictures of the place and a couple pictures that show my view outside my window. I feel a little alone right now. Everyone is married and have their own houses. I can see the missionary couple's apartment that are kind of looking out for me. Its probably a five minute walk and across the highway. Already though, there is this feeling of, "Oh, yeah I am the only single one." I think it should be good. I really do want God to teach me to be independent (but safe, don't worry mom) in other cultures with Jesus as my protector. I think its easy to say I want to be married and try to use my husband as the protector and provider and comforter. I mean, I'm sure he will do those things one day. But I think its good for me to see that God can also be that. And actually, he will do a far better job than any man. 

Ok, tomorrow I start orientation. So far, you guessed it. I love Spain. I just like the smell. Its this weird mix of earth, flowers, dirt, and then city. I love it. The houses are beautiful. I like the sounds of the school children outside my window and the motorcycles. Kind of like India : ) I don't think there is as much honking though. 

Thanks guys. I'd love your prayers and comments!

Living for him, instead of me...

Malaga, Spain

This semester has been an interesting one. It's been full of pressure to succeed and not really knowing what God wants or has for me. 

Things have been even more busy this semester, maybe compared to my more laid back semester in Ireland. All I know if that my classes take up a lot of my time, and I feel that this semester my work has been criticized more than ever, and the feeling of not quite measuring up is very real.  I've felt that I've made more mistakes this semester than ever before... but God hasn't left. He is still very real and working in my life.

I had plans to maybe go to Dallas this summer and work for Gospel for Asia. I worked hard to get all of my papers in, to have my portfolio of work done in Ireland printed, to have an interview... all to learn that they only had one intern spot, which was full.

Everything was falling through and kept falling through. 

But God has continued to surprise me.

I wasn't planning on leaving the country again. But for some reason, my logical plans fell through, and God's sending me to Spain.  He keeps opening the doors to something I figured was too far out of my reach. He is teaching me that his plans are not always mine, they don't always seem the most practical, and that in the end He's the one in control. He only asks for my trust and patience. God wants me to live more for Him each day and less for myself. When I can learn to do this... that's when I see his plan and his desires becoming mine.

All that to say, after a stressful semester... I'm off to Malaga, Spain in 24 days to take pictures and help with Graphic Design for a mission board. One step closer to what I want to do with my life...

Travel the world and take pictures. 

 

Holiday At Sea

Is it C.S. Lewis that talks about the child playing in the mud who is so upset when her parents want to take her from the mud to a holiday at sea? I am so often that child- covered in mud and content in my filth and not wanting to be taken away from it. I many times may realize the fact that I could be settling- but then again if I understood the greatness of a holiday at sea, compared to the mud, I would surely leave the mud. But so often I stay playing in the mud-settling for sin and the short term fun it brings. I ignore my father who is wanting me to simply reach up my arms- so he can pick me up to take me to the sea. He has the desires of my heart. He knows how I'll love the sea. He knows the sand is better for castles, that the waves are powerful and beautiful, that the sun is bright and that the birds will be chirping. I'm muddy and dirty. I'm happy in my sin and fallenness. I settle in one, two, three areas of my life- and slowly I have settled for a life in the mud, refusing to lift up my arms and be taken to a holiday at sea.

Cee, You and Tea

Well... I'm in love with the Atonement soundtrack.

I hear the dramatic music still playing in my head when I'm not even listening to it. I guess it helps me feel like my life is more interesting than it actually is...hearing the intense instrumental music playing as I listen to teachers talk about who knows what...

I live in Arkansas now.

I like change. Its when things stops changing and I begin to sit when everything is not so clear. I've been home for like a month and a half. In away, its like I never left.

weird.

Maybe it will hit me all in one great moment. I'll probably be sitting in class and it will hit me. I've been gone. And now I'm back. Or...maybe I'll just keep going. I love seeing everyone at JBU. So far its been great. I don't miss the very small town of Dundrum, mostly Belfast is what I miss. And being able to travel.

I've decided I know exactly what I want to do and at the same time have never felt like my life could be more up in the air. Who knows where I will be getting ready to go this time next year.

I love taking pictures. I love other cultures. I love kids. I love India. I love everything I've seen so far outside America.

I tend to be an idealist.

I don't know what that means for the future.

I love hanging out with the kids from the Faroe Islands. I have always loved hanging out with them. Today I ate lunch with five girls from the Faroes. For some reason, I like being the minority.

Nothing too profound. Just a update. Everyone buy the Atonement soundtrack. Its beautiful. It won a Golden Globe for best score. Do it.

Dizzy Cigarettes and Tightlipped Kisses

While I was studying in Northern Ireland we studied an Irish poet called Michael Longley. His poetry was quite moving and devastating at the same time. He wrote about the Troubles in Northern Ireland and the Holocaust. He was able to capture beauty and inspiration in the death and hopelessness of desperate times.

I liked several of his poems. I thought one poem in the front of his collected poetry was beautiful in his choice of words and the imagery he painted so simply.

No Continuing City

First dizzy cigarettes,

Tightlipped Kisses,

Friendships, Flying visits,

Birthday, best wishes-

My children and my dead

Coming of age

In the turn of your head

As you turn a page.

-Michael Longley

My Irish Literature class was lucky enough to have met Mr. Longley. He was very inspiring in his lecture. He did say one thing that made me think. He stated,

"There won't be any art in heaven- if there is such a place-because art comes from some disturbance..."

Well, I think most of the class thought differently. Trying to figure out a way to candy coat what he had said. But as I sat there, I began to think maybe he was right. What we know now in the world of art...there does seem to be a disturbance or longing for a beauty that we do not have. Many times art is a mixture of fallenness and redemption. Or the old and new. The overexposed and underexposed. The vintage and classic. The bittersweet taste of things ending much differently than you thought they would. So... if there is a heaven, and every thing's perfect where is art? I completely understand Longley's point. But then again, there seems to be perfection in a butterfly or flower... they seem perfect, but creation is fallen...and love means the most when it isn't deserved... The cross blossoms in the midst of undeserving selfish people.

But then again...

Maybe art is an expression and cry of who we are, who we've been, who we want to be. Art is us being here, trapped in our own humanity reaching out beyond ourselves. Maybe the art we know now, won't be in heaven. But there will be an art that we nothing about. An art that can not be anymore explained then what it will really mean to live where "mercy and truth have kissed each other."

Back in America, just in time for the Christmas Craze...

Well, I've been back in the states for a week. I haven't taken any cash out yet. Maybe its out of protest, since I haven't held a dollar in over three months... I am slowly taking steps back into reality. I took the extra pounds and pence out of my purse... slowly chewing the rest of the gum purchased at Vivo in Dundrum...





It sort of seems like the last three and half months have been a dream... I mean, that was my life. I lived in Europe. Got use to my life there. And then. I come home. Things are pretty much just the way I left them, the only change being the huge ice storm that makes me think I might have flown into Iceland or something. Most people ask a couple questions, "How was it?" or "Did you have fun?" and even an occasional, "You look a little Irish..." But, I can only say so much, and then I feel its getting old when I begin to say things about my travels...but it was in a way different from a trip or holiday. I lived there.





But...I did get back into America just in time. Just in time to remember how crazy Americans can get about a holiday that really no longer has much meaning. I mean, not to sound very critical...but the irony of the church and the holiday season may have a hit me a little hard this season. I came into my church that I grew up in, and was greeted by a probably 50 foot, fully lit Christmas tree. And...If I can explain it, our Choir stands in the fake tree. And they sing. About Christmas. Now don't get me wrong, the music is beautiful. It really is pretty and fills you with holiday cheer. There were Elves running, children laughing, presents, the 12 days of Christmas song by the church body, and a skit about the true meaning of Christmas.



After a semester abroad, attending more conservative and traditional churches, the radical Baptist Christmas celebration (or maybe whovillefest?) was a tad bit of a shock. The tree was purchased a few years back, but I've been at school in the past and this was my first time seeing it.



I just felt that maybe spending thousands of dollars on a tree and then having a skit about the true meaning of Christmas in front of the tree was a bit ironic. Hypocritical? Maybe.



This Sunday I went back to Church, to hear our new pastor preach. And he was reading out of Isaiah 53. Talking about who Christ was and why he had to come. He talked about the sacrifice and humility Christ had. How he traded power for infancy, majesty for poverty, beauty for homeliness, and worship for rejection. Christ came down to us, to lift us out of our sin and brokenness. C.S. Lewis talks in his book Miracles about the incarnation of Christ and how it is wrapped around us in our humanity. (more on that later)



But anyways...not to rag on my church. I love my church and the people there. But I have just been getting tired of hearing the same of old things from the Evangelical circle. I don't understand everything or even very much about the incarnation of Christ. But I do think it was more of an explosion of love than a huge singing Christmas tree. I feel like all the energy that was released when such a huge and perfect Christ became such a small and humble man can be found in the unmeasurable amounts of love seen in his life and the cross.



Last week Bek and I picked a girl up that was walking on the side of the road. With no coat. In the middle of an ice storm.



I've never done this before.



We gave her a coat, and took her about 5-10 miles down town. I think she had already walked that amount before we picked her up. Her family didn't have any electricity due to the ice storm, so she was walking to her boyfriend's house. Her name was Debbie. Part of me wonders how comfortable Debbie would be watching our Christmas program. Maybe its more about us going out than trying to sell the Gospel and lure people in.

Not that I can say I practice this... I don't walk a lot of my talk. But I'm just thinking.

It's Best to Start Small

I've been reading in Matthew for the past couple weeks. This last week God has been teaching me more about what it means to be the person I want to be as a "missionary." Not just a missionary in India or across the world but here, right now. I tend to get overwhelmed with this subject. Sometimes I get so excited about the rest of the world and seeing it and it's people, that I forget that right here in America is my mission field.

And so why am I writing this three days before I go to live in Ireland for a semester? I think God is showing me that He just wants small steps. Sometimes I feel like it has to be like India where everyone has to say they've never heard of their Savior's name and they want to ask him into their lives. But Jesus is saying in Matthew that even though its a huge job, a huge decision to live for Him and to give our lives, that he still knows we're human.

Jesus says to start with those around us. Our neighbors. Touch the untouchables here, not just in India. He says to be gentle in our conversation to those that are welcoming. And to move on when others don't welcome us. Jesus doesn't expect or even want us to beat people over the head with the Bible and say the sinners prayer with everyone we talk to.

Jesus wants us to join his team. He wants to be stood up for. Then, he will stand up for us infront of his father. He wants us with him through thick and thin. We don't deserve him. But once we forget ourselves, we find what we are looking for. We find both Jesus and who we truely are.

Jesus says its best to start small. After surrendering each day to him, follow him through the day and let him use you when the chance is there. I think its about walking with him, honoring him, being sensitive to his spirirt, and then taking those small steps of love towards others.

Love is the way to people's hearts. Love is what Jesus is about. Love is what should be seen in our lives. Love is what should be wrapped in and out of our conversations with others.

That's what Jesus wants.

God Colors

Jesus told use to be the light of the world.

"Here's another way to put it: You're to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world."

What does it mean to bring out the God colors in the world? Light is how we see color. Light is what gives depth, and height, and light is absorbed and colors are reflected. Without light, there is nothing. There is darkness.

As the light, we are to be like Jesus. We must share the truth. We must be the truth. The darkness should fade as we shine the love of Christ to others. The darkness should fade as we obey Christ each day and are made righteous through him. The darkness should fade when we proclaim His truth and do not settle for less.

When we as God's people, find ourselves in the dark, we must go back to the cross. Go back to the ultimate light-bearer. To be light we must also take up our cross as Christ did. Being light means sacrifice. It means choosing Christ over our self. It means doing what's God's desire is rather than our selfish and many times sinful desires may be.

As we sacrifice more and more, as we do His will over ours, as we become righteous through His beautiful transformation, our light becomes brighter. And the God colors, they are rich and beautiful. As the darkness fades, we see shapes and colors that were once hidden in darkness. With His right amount of light, the world's beauty is exposed.

Beauty Comes From a Broken Surrender

Broken, Shattered.

I lay crumbled, sharp glass,

Upon the cold tile floor.

Unrecoginized, nothing.

Can make me,

What I was.

He stands there,

Yelling-I will never,

Be anything.

His words seem to break,

My shattered pieces,

Smaller, into nothing.

He says I'm nothing.

Never, will I be whole.

Nothing.

Then the potter comes,

He picks up the pieces.

His hands strong.

Pain is present in both.

As my brokeness cuts,

Him.

His love and blood,

Are strong-I'm

Something.

He molds.

He puts together.

I am new.

I am what I once,

Was not.

I am his creaton.

The enemy lies.

He says-I'm too broken.

Nothing.

The potter says,

"Broken"

That's how I use you.

He made the ocean for me

I think God made the ocean for me. He romaces me with the beauty of every time I go to the beach. Sure, it's more new to me than to others since I'm from Missouri...but the fact is, I love the ocean. I think the ocean reminds me a lot of God. I think you can always see part of the creator in his creation. God is powerful like the ocean, and always surprising me with His every changing glory. The ocean holds life, just like God. The ocean is beautiful and is always different while staying the same as it always has been. The ocean resembles it's creator.

Walk by Faith

Live by Faith

Surrender to me daily.

This is what God has been telling me lately. Each morning I must trust him and surrender my plans and trust that his are best.

"It's the word of faith that welcomes God to go to work and set things right for us. This is the core of our preaching. Say the welcoming word to God- 'Jesus is my Master'-embracing body and soul, God's work of doing in us what he did in raising Jesus from the dead. That's it. You're not 'doing' anything; you're simply calling out to God, trusting him to do it for you. That's salvation. With your whole being you embrace God setting things right, and then you say it, right out loud 'God has set everything right between him and me!'"

Maybe I'll be a Nomad...or a Gypsy.

So, tonight is my first night back at home... it has been relaxing so far. I am sitting on my bed listening to the rain hit the ground. I love the summer air coming in through a window that can actually be opened (compared to the dorm rooms). Its good to be home. I was thinking as I packed up my room at school and at home tonight how it would be kind of fun to sell most of what I have. I am currently reading a book called Tales of a Female Nomad. I'm in love with it. Or atleast the idea. This women sells everything and the rest of her belongings fit in a backpack. She travels the world and meets amazing people...sees amazing things. She gets to see so much more of God and I don't think this lady even knows him. I think it would be wonderful to do this. To just travel and live by the moment. Swim in rivers with people who don't speak english, ride a moped with a complete stranger, drink a cup of coffee with a little old local Italian man. This seems to be the life. Full of adventure and freedom. Maybe after JBU I can do this... some how wait on paying those loans (see reality is making my dream not near as beautiful). In this book, the author says something pretty cool.

"Once I leave the U.S. I am not bound by the rules of my culture. And when I am a foreigner in another country, I am exempt from the local rules. This extraordinary situation means that there are no rules in my life."

Sure, there are rules that one needs to have in life. But part of me wants to think that once you love God, and then love others, all you need is that and the world God's given you to explore...