Vogue X2

Best Friends + College + Crazy Vogue Fashion = A really good time

Can We Just Lay Here?

Snow Patrol
Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Hmmm.....

I realized tonight that this blog could be a lot more public than I think. No one has a blog spot. So that means no one comments. I wonder how many people read what I write.... Oh well, I guess I can just write more on the surface. Save the juicy stuff for later...

So, I really like the song above. I currently have it on repeat. And by the way. My dad is getting married. No comment.

I dont really even know what to say. I guess when you get in the habit of thinking about others reading what you are writing later, it is hard to do the writing.

I dont really know if I want to be an RA anymore.

I think everyone thinks it is easy and they dont get why that would be the case.

I get to live in Ireland fall of 2007.

I want to see the whole world.

Do I let everyone down?

Does anyone really know me?

Besides Lauren and Ellen?

How do I tell people what I feel, without thinking that the world will fall apart when the words come out of my mouth?

I love India.

I dont want to do school anymore this semester.

I love my family.

How long can I spend with them?

Right now,

I feel like laying in the middle of quad, right where the light pole is. It would be warm outside. But dark. Night. The light pole would be on. I would be laying on my back. It would be pouring down rain. And I would lay there. And open my hands and eyes and watch the huge drops of rain pour all over me.

I feel so..... unable to explain how I feel. And that is frusterating.

Lets go sit on the quad...in Ireland :)

Well, yesterday I got the good news of finding out that my application was accepted to study for a semester in Ireland for the fall of 2007. I am so excited! I also get to take an independent photography class while I am there. At first I had my heart set on studying in Uganda. I told God to open and close doors. The doors seemed much more open to Ireland. God put a peace in my heart and let me know that although I might desire to live in Africa, now wasn't the time. So, I applied to study in Ireland with a team from JBU. Well, I didn't hear anything for awhile...I began to think maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have applied for both. But...God is good and I am not as patient as He would like me to be. I am so happy to see that God really does have the desires of my heart. He is the one who put the love for adventure and new cultures in my heart. As I seem to be in a time in my life where God says, " Rest in me, and listen to my voice" I have come to see that God is still working and loving me. His love is the same each and every day. I change, He doesn't. His love is the same when I find out He has given me an opportunity to live across the Ocean, and when I can barely hear His voice.

Warm hands on a cold heart

Once upon a time there was a girl. A girl who some would say, was made of spirit and laughter... and most of the time, they were right. But sometimes, the giggles would stop and she couldn't find her spirit. Jessa, was the spiritless girl with rosy checks. Many times, Jessa didn't know where her spirit would go. One moment there seemed to be happyness forever. And then, it would seem like all of the things that made her heart passionate would dissappear at once. It was like they forgot to come out after playing hide and seek. And sometimes, her heart would begin to feel kind of cold and numb, like her checks did after she would play outside too long in the winter. Jessa was happy. Jessa loved life. But sometimes, the passion would leave. It always came back, but each time it was gone again...Jessa wondered if this time was the time it was gone for good.



*The other day, when having a good conversation with a good friend about feeling a little passionless...I was asked, "When have you felt like you were the most intimate with Jesus?"
I knew right away.

Sitting in the pew at church I tried to keep breathing even though my heart felt like it might stop at any point. The pain in my stomach made me glad that I hadn't eaten anything before. Before the funeral. Before I began to realize that I hated God. I hated him because he left me again. He left me to live a life I no longer wanted to live. Why is it that it is always everyone else that gets to go? Why couldn't I go?? I hated him. I hated him because my heart hurt worse than it ever had before. And no one was helping me. I hated him because he loved me through everything. He loved me even when I hated him. He loved me when I blammed him. He loved me and cried with me in the church that smelled like flowers and perfume. God sat beside me, while I wore all black once again. He stode beside me as I looked down into the casket and said goodbye to another friend. That day, as I sat telling God that I hate him, I realized how much he loved me. How far his love could go. How his love can flow deeper than my deepest hurts.

I felt the most intimate when I was completely weak and broken. As I continue to be an RA, and feel like God isn't doing his job in using me...I am becoming weak. I know Jesus wants to use me. But I dont see it. I dont feel the passion. I feel tired. I desire God and what he has for me. Is he bringing me to a place that he can finally use me? I feel more like a wilted flower than something that is being broken for him to use.

Little Jessa keeps looking for her passion. She has looked far and wide. Even in India...but now she thinks she might just need to look into the eyes of the one who loves her more than anything. Is her passion found in his eyes? Probably...but he isn't too worried about that. He just wants to hold her. He wants to rock her to sleep. He wants to sing to her with love and let her know that his love is what she needs.

Where do I belong??

Lately God has been teaching me many things. That's not to say I have felt passionate about it. Actually, I have had a hard time feeling passionate since India. I know...India was a spiritual high, and now I am back to normal...but it is so much more than that. I really feel that I miss the culture and the people of India. I desire to go back. I desire to visit Africa. To live in Africa. Sometimes I just think, "God, is America really where I am suppose to be??" For this time, yes. For the rest of my life? I sure hope not. I love my country and am so blessed but I hate it at the same time. Today in chapel, a women named Princess Zulu spoke to us about her country of Africa, and being HIV positive, also told us more about AIDS. It breaks my heart. All the lives lost to AIDS in Africa, in India, in my country... we had a talk back tonight with Princess. And she taught us a song in her native language....I almost started crying and it was just a fun song. The thing is, when I was singing that song to Jesus...my passion was back, my heart was filled with joy. It was still the same Jesus I know and love....but I was able to praise him in a way that I want to praise him every day. I know that there are a million agruements to what I am writing. Blah, Blah, Blah. Each person against me might be right. But honestly, I don't care. I want to live in India and then move to Africa. I want to live in a hut and experience pain, joy, loss, and life across the world. Jesus, show me your will. Let me know I belong to you. Let me be patient with those that don't understand. And Jesus, be with each and every person that is dying of AIDS right now.

Jesus...you know me...

Jesus, you know me. You know my heart. I love you Lord. I know you love me. Sometimes it is so easy to get wrapped up in my own life, in my own worries and struggles. I know I try to do things on my own Jesus. Draw me close to you!! Sometimes I feel so lost but so good at making it seem that I know where I am going. I have all the right things to say but when it comes to doing them, I freeze. Jesus...I love India. I know it was a spiritual high but it really feels like so much more than that too. It was hard but I loved the people and the children and the culture... I want to go back Lord. You have surprised me with this passion for a place I never really thought about a year ago. Take me back to India. Raise the money. Let me have faith that your will is going to be done! Sometimes I think people think I like India because it is easier to talk about God when people want to hear about it. Maybe it is true...but I feel that you have called me to do missions Lord. And sometimes...it seems I have to explain it to the people who should support me. Let me trust you Jesus. Draw me close to your heart. Let me breathe you each day Jesus. Let me fall head over heels in love with you! I sometimes am scared or think negatively about love...let me see its beauty with you Jesus. I thank you for so many blessings. So many things you give to me. Let me serve you each day. Let me speak truth and love. You know me Lord. You know my heart. I love you!

You Have Stolen My Heart

This is the first time I have ever felt homesick for a country other than my own. Maybe it isn't just the country. I know it's not just India that my soul is aching for... I long to see the kids that I have fallen in love with. I think about games of cricket in the Indian evenings; the smell of people and food and flowers; I never want the henna on my hand to fade...sitting in church yesterday my soul ached for India. We sang songs of our freedom and liberty in Christ as I closed my eyes to see the faces of the ones who have stolen my heart. Tomorrow is my favorite holiday...yes, as strange as it is...I love the smell of hotdogs and hamburgers dancing through the air as the sky is lit up with fireworks. I love to swim all day and feel my burnt checks as I pretend I am seven again and play with sparklers.... but tomorrow.....I will love my country and my favorite holiday...but I will know that India has stolen my heart.

India

WAITING FOR THE KING

*Almond eyes of children in colorless clothing
*are painted in my mind
*wrinkled hands of widows gently
*rest on mine as my rich
*crimson scarf, wipes each tear
*waiting for the king
*the sweet singing of orange flowers
*rings in the indian trees
*the taste of mangos and spicy air
*dances upon my sunburnt lips
*waiting for the king
*my heart becomes the sand
*that sits along the indian coast

Worship the King

This weekend my friends and I saw Shawn McDonald in concert. In the front row, I was amazed to watch his face as he sang and his hands as he played. He was in another world. He was worshiping God. I began to think of how it is amazing to see all the many ways to worship God. After the show my friends Lauren, Rebekah, and I talked with Shawn's wife Kate for almost a half an hour. I began to think that she was worshiping God too. They both share their loves with so many. Shawn stayed and signed autographs and talked with fans for about an hour after the show. They were real people pouring out God's love onto others. As I get ready to leave for India in just a few days, I know why I am going... I am going to Worship the King. I am not sure on everything I will be doing, but I do know that each day for three weeks I will have the chance to pour God's love on a people who have never felt it before. We can all worship God each and every day of our lives. We can sing. We can dance. We can talk. We can hug. We can love. Shawn worships God with music. I know that God will use me to sing his song of love in India.

Invisible Children

Lately life has been so busy. School is out in a week and finals are coming...It is easy to become absorbed with myself and my own problems and worrries. And then there are times when God sort of stops you. You sit. You watch. You hear. You see. I sat and watched a documentary that is sweeping the nation raising awareness for child solidiers in Uganda. I saw a boy named Jacob cry and about his brother who was murdered by the rebels. And now, I keep hearing his cries. I will join my school, my city, my nation, and my world in the global night commute. I will walk 3 miles like the small children in africa who spend every night hidden away from the rebels. I will sleep outside and make a difference. Children are dying each day and with 41,057 signed up right now, we will make a difference.

"The Real World...JBU"

This is the true story of seven strangers, picked to live in a house and have their lives taped, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL. The Real World!
Oh, the joys of college... for five days I was chosen to live in a house with six other people. We had challeneges...we had drama...we had laughs....we had cries... When I first decided to be on the show I did it for the fun. It was a little more tiring and dramatic then I thought... but more importantly I think I have found out that the way you look at and think about certain people might not be exactly right. Each person on the show was unique and different but in a funny way we were all alike. That may sound a little cliche...but it really was true. I had so much fun and even got my nose pierced on the show!!! Well, that's a little update on my life... oh yeah, and here is a little something good:

God Is Love:
" My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn't know the first thing about God, because God is love- so you can't know him if you don't love. "

"My dear, dear friends, if God loved us like this, we certainly ought to love each other. No one has seen God, ever. But if we love one another, God dwells deeply within us, and his love becomes complete in us-perfect love!"

1 John 4:7-8, 11-12 (The Message)

The Sunshine Makes Me Giggle...

Many might think I am crazy...but I prefer very happy. Today was such a happy day. I love when the sun pours through the window and I can feel the warmth from the inside of my room. I love when I can go outside and the warm wind sweeps across my lips and makes me smile. And then... I think I hear the flowers starting to grow. I can hear the trees laughing because spring rain is so close they can almost taste the sweetness of it. And for me? I skip from class to class waiting for the classes to be over so I can go swing at the park. I walk with a best buddy in the warm air and talk about life. It seems that even heavy matters aren't so bad when the sun is shining. It is like God decides to show His love in a different way in the spring and summer. Winter is full of flurry flakes and fall has the pretty leaves. But there is no joy like the one that comes from the nearness of spring and knowing that summer follows. After walking to the park, I have to get on a swing. Summer is Here!!! Well, maybe it is still February...but when I am swinging in the park and I am barefoot no one can tell me any different. Today has been one of the best. Maybe I just choose to find the good more easily when spring is on its way...but either way, I love the sunshine. I love the warm air. The park. Hearing kids play outside. The smell of my hands after I get done holding the medal chains when I swing. I love ice cream that melts on your hand... beautiful little girls with kool-aid mustaches, little boys with skateboards and footballs and grass stains on their knees. Spring and Summer are on their way to the tiny town of Siloam Springs, Arkansas. Like I said, some may think I am crazy...but I prefer very happy :)

Hebrews 12:1-3

The pathway is broken And the signs are unclear And I dont know the reason why you brought me here But just because You love me the way that You do I will go through the valley If You want me to
CHORUS: Now I'm not who I was When I took my first step And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet So if all of these trials bring me closer to You I will go through the fire If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen When you lead me through a world that's not my own But You never said it would be easy You only said I'll never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me And I'm all by myself And I can't hear You answer my cries for help I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through And I will go through the valley If You want me to

Sometimes you just have those days...or those weeks...or those months. Those times when you feel as though all the snow has fallen on top of you at once. Life might not be the worst it has ever been...but couldn't it be a little better? I love the Lord, and I know He loves me but sometimes...I feel as though I can see where I want to be and what I want but I have no idea how to get there. I guess that is where God comes in. There are just those moments when you are running the race and all the sudden you stop. You can't breathe. All you can hear and feel is the pain and the sound of yourself trying to catch a breath. You rest your hands on your knees and think "maybe I should turn around...or quit." And then... a breeze comes you don't feel so bad...and then before you know it you are jogging again...and then you are running like you have never stopped.

My Lips Shall Praise You

Psalm 63:1-3
O God, You are my God;
Early I will seek you;
My soul thirsts for you;
My flesh longs for You
In a dry and thirsty land
Where there is no water.
So I have looked for You in the Sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory.
Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips shall praise You.

So far the first week of a new semester has not exactly been the week I had hoped. I had thought that this new semester was going to be just as good as the last one, hopefully better. Now, not really knowing how it happened, I have seemed to have went from having two wonderful best friends to finding myself with just God. It's complicated...The details aren't important. All I know is that I have been praying for God to let me have an even more intimate relationship with Him. I longed to lean fully on Him. And now that He has given me that chance...I'm not so sure. I know God blesses us in different ways through the seasons of our lives. Last semester God blessed me with two of the best friends I have ever had. And now...God is blessing me with Himself. He is granting my wish to know him completely and intimately. HE is my best friend. I know now that it seems a painful process...But I have seen His work before...He never lets me down :)

My Redeemer Lives

This semester in school I am in a class where students ask questions that can not always be answered. Questions like, "Why was I placed in America instead of a country where thousands die each day from hunger?" Or "Why does Jesus promise to take care of His followers... He says He cares more for us than the lilies which He clothes so beautifully...but there are hungry children who believe in Him?" Why God? Why do people suffer? Why do you seem to care for me so much more??? Why is the question my soul asks... I don't understand Jesus... I know you love your children more than I could ever know....And then...when my soul can not stand the thought of bearing the pain of the world any longer.... I hear the words within my soul, "MY REDEEMER LIVES!" And then I know... I remember the love of my life that has died for me. The one and only beautiful lover of my soul. The one who died for the mistakes and sins of this fallen world. I remember that there is hope. Hope in the one that nature shows is real...hope in the one that makes smiles and laughter... hope in the one that gives us freedom and comfort and love and hope for all time!! My Redeemer Lives!! There is no hope for a fallen world.... only the hope of Jesus Christ. The one who was born to die. The one who lives to work in me and through me! My Redeemer Lives! I know He is there. I know Jesus is crying with me. That the first bite of the apple was the window to all the suffering of the world. The suffering from the sin that my Jesus has died for. So when my heart cries for the suffering I can have God built compassion and most importantly a hope.

The Journey to His heart

Tonight I heard a girl speak about the journey of finding Jesus. The journey of knowing her Lord better each day. I couldn't help but notice the light her eyes. The light of someone who was in love with her prince. She wasn't afraid to admit it. The journey of knowing Jesus better is the journey to His heart. The road of learning to let your Savior walk for you and to understand Him better in doing so.
When I think of my Savior's heart I cannot help but have tears in my eyes. I feel that I love Him so much, but I haven't even begun to know Him like He longs for me to. It hurts to think of how beautiful He is. When I look back on my life I know He is beautiful. I know He is there. I know He knows the deepest part of my soul.

But sometimes... there are times when I call out to Jesus and I can't hear Him as well as I want to. I know He is there. He is on my mind, and I can't help but think of Him when I see a little girl sitting on her daddy's lap. At times I miss Him when I know He is still there. And then I hear...

Keep Seeking, Keep Knocking, Keep asking...

So I do. I will keep seeking, knocking, and asking until the moment I see His face in heaven. I will seek His characteristics, I will knock to open His power, I will ask for His strength daily. I know that just because I can't hear the beating of His heart that it doesn't I am not on my way to knowing Him more. He is carrying me to that place. I love my Lord and nothing can take me from Him.

My Dear Friend...

Every morning when I wake up He wants to guide me. He longs for me to sit and just tell Him hello before I start the day. He is jealous for me and my time. He only wants to see my face, to hear my laugh, to carry me through the hard times.

He loves each part of me and has made me His lily white princess. He has more love for me in one drop of His blood than my whole life could give. He never remembers my faults. His beauty words cannot describe. Discovering the depths of His heart and soul would take 1,000 life times.

He wants to walk with me, to share my pains, to wipe away my tears.... He loves to have fun. He wants to be my best friend.... He just wants to listen. To comfort me, to show me that He is in love with me.

Why don't I want to spend time with Him??

The Best Lil Roomie :)

Each day God is teaching me more and more. One thing that has been something new in my life is rooming with my wonderful, hilarious, and beautiful cousin Rebekah. She teaches me so much. Rebekah is normally the last to complain and the first to make me laugh. She also makes the moment "a little less serious." We have always been cousins, but the more I live with her the more she becomes a life long friend. She always listens to me, even if she does make fun of me :) This last month God is showing me that it isn't always about Jeran. I am praying for God to show me how to love with out an end... to have patience, to have compassion. To know what to do when she gets sick :) I love learning more about my cousin each day. I love getting know the person on the inside. Even through the tears, the late night hugs and talks, the moments when I think I will never stop laughing, even when she on Steroids for her Bronchitis and talks the night away....... I love my cousin and thank God for blessing me with such a roommate. Even if she worries when I stay out late.... I love my lil cousin and thank God. I pray He will teach me how to love others even more, and I hope I can someday be a blessing to her also. :)

God Given Compassion

"But You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious, Longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth"

~Psalm 86:15

It is funny how God never fails to answer a prayer. I've told myself to be careful what I pray for.

The last few weeks I have had the desire to serve. To allow God to show me how and when. To notice the girl who needs talking to or to take better care of a sick roommate :) I never thought my simple prayer would lead me to the place I was tonight. A place that has left me numb emotionally. Never did I think I would be looking into the eyes of a woman who has lost everything she owns. Into the eyes of a little girl who tells me she almost drowned as she colors a picture for me.... that I would stand with a pen and paper in my hand as hundreds of hurricane survivors walked into the building to register at the camp they would be living at. Why does God put me in such a safe place when others hurt so badly? How do people loose their entire family and go on with life? How do people judge the sufferings of others? How do I? How do people not fall on there face before our precious Jesus who has spared us? Why don't people run to Him when they can't make it on their own? Why do I not listen to my own words?

My prayer is still the same. Except this time, I would like to ask for "God given compassion." Anyone can be compassionate, but what about compassion that never dies? What about the fruit of the spirit that knows no end? I pray that the love of Jesus will shine through my eyes and warm each hug I give. That Jesus can be the one who wipes away the tears. Dear God help these people...help the hurting world. Why does it take this to make me understand that people are hurting and dieing all around the world--- without YOU? Let me serve the Lord and have such a burden upon my heart that I will never say "there is no one to serve, no where to go, nothing for me to do....." Let me be serving one moment and in heaven the next.